Top 10 Listener Questions Related to the Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Relationship with Author of The Mother-In-Law Dance, Annie Chapman
Psalm 90:12 “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
Annie Chapman is the author of “The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along?” In addition to being an author of many books,Annie is wife to Steve, mother to 2 adult children, and grandmother to 6. Her perspective as both a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law brings unique clarity to this discussion.
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The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? by Annie Chapman
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When listeners heard we were going to be discussing the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship, we got a lot of awesome questions and comments! We want to share a few of those with you today.
3 Things Daughters-in-Law Appreciated:
- Most Common Response: Offering help with the grandkids. One listener wrote in: “My mother-in-law loves my kids so deeply and intensely. She is incredibly generous with them (and us)! She is also beyond gracious and giving with her time. She will, at least a couple of times a year, have them overnight for an extended time. This allows me and my husband to travel (often abroad) with ZERO concern/worry about the kids’ wellbeing.”
- “My mother in law is really thoughtful, like extremely thoughtful. She remembers things I mention and then at Christmas or my birthday will buy me a book about it or a gift.”
- “Since we got married she has always (subtly) acknowledged me as the most important woman in my husband’s life and never felt threatened by me or tried to assert her role. She is nothing but supportive of our relationship and our family which is huge for us. She also has a very strong relationship with the Lord and I know she is daily in prayer for our family and that means so much to me.”
3 Things Mothers-in-Law Appreciated:
- Number One response was how the wife treated her son (seconded by her love of her grandchildren), such as saying my daughter-in-law “keeps a clean home for my son and grandchildren.” or I appreciate how “my daughter-in-law either vocalizes or shows in front of me her love and appreciation for my son.” and “She deeply loves my son”
- “I like when she brings a meal to show thanks for the regular babysitting we do.”
- “I like when she keeps me in the loop about the grandkids and how they are doing”
3 Challenges for a Daughter-in-Law:
- “Honestly, I often find myself frustrated at the way she parented (or didn’t parent) her kids, which directly impacts the way my husband interacts/reacts/acts with me and the family in general.”
- “She inserts herself, her worries, and her opinions in our lives a little too much. Like when we were moving, she wanted to keep planning and thinking through things with me, things that my husband and I needed to decide. Not her.”
- “I get frustrated being told when and where I will be, instead of being asked…such as “we’re doing Easter on Easter Sunday this year.” (with the understanding that yes, you’ll be there, and you don’t have a say in it.) Not only will I be more likely to make it work, but I’ll also have a better outlook and attitude about being there.”
3 Challenges for a Mother-in-Law:
- “The general bad rap that mother-in-laws automatically have”
- “Feeling like we are only good for babysitting.”
- “When I do speak, it is sometimes misinterpreted and misunderstood by them. When I help in ways that I think is being helpful they perceive my help as an insult. For example, they think that I don’t think they are doing a good enough job as a mother or housekeeper. My motive is that whatever help I can give them, any job I can do for them (any cleaning or picking up, etc…) is something they don’t have to do if I do it for them which i think would give them more time to do other things. My mother did that for me and I regarded her as help I could depend on. I always welcomed my mother’s help.”
Encouragement from one mother-in-law to another: “I found being a good mother in law to be one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced. I’ve learned so many things too late! And the learning process continues…Say as little as possible and most of the time don’t speak at all, just listen. Don’t voice your opinion or give an idea or a suggestion ever never ever ever ever! Even if you disagree with what they’re saying or what they are doing. BE QUIET EXCEPT validate what they are saying and what they are doing with positive words of encouragement and praise and most of all show them kindness, love, patience, compassion, and be an understanding, sympathetic listener.”
Encouragement from one daughter-in-law to another: “Look for the heart behind the comment. I think a lot of mother-in-law’s give unsolicited advice because they’re proud of how their son turned out, and they want to be relevant and helpful to their daughter-in-law. If we were smart we would ask for the advice because they have wisdom that we need.”
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”