I love peace and joy and laughter in marriage. I love unhurried conversations and sharing an enjoyable experience with my husband. I delight in sitting across the table from him, talking about what the Lord is teaching us or what our dreams are for the future or encouraging one another when we are feeling down. I love to be happy and I love to be carefree with Mark! But these rewards also require conflict resolution. 


When we resolve conflict well, all of these positive connections are possible!

Resolving conflict and making lasting life change requires getting to the root issue. This often includes exploring our past to see how previous situations and memories and life experiences contributed to the emotional state we find ourselves in today. 

At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Counseling is a fabulous place to get to the root issues that help us resolve conflict better, and I will explain more about Faithful Counseling near the end of this article. If you are not interested in counseling, I would at least highly encourage you to read Debra Fileta’s recent book, Are You Really OK? She is a faithful Christian and a licensed professional counselor. You can work through her questions and hear her stories to aid your process of getting to root issues. 

Roots are so individualized, so you may not have clarity on yours after reading this article, but you will have a great starting place that hopefully provides more peace and joy in your marital relationship! 

Is it ok that we have conflict in marriage? 

Yes! This is normal and it can even be a good thing, if we allow Christ to use it to shape us to become more like Him! 

No conflict is pleasant at the time, but it can be used for our good when we can lift up our eyes to see where we will be after we journey through the rough waters. 

This reminds me of a crazy travel experience we had earlier this year. Mark and I were invited on a once-in-a-lifetime sailing experience with some friends. One day we were presented with two options: sail around the same island we had been sailing around the previous day, or head out on the open sea to explore a more secluded island. Unanimously, the group voted for the latter…

A few hours later as we slowly made our way through rough waters and high seas that still make me queasy to recollect, multiple members of our group took turns turning green and getting seasick. I was one of those! This first picture was taken during the journey, while we were all feeling a little seasick, but thankful to be in it together.

Through some miserable moments, this journey led to the most memorable day of our trip. Our group instantly felt closer from accomplishing something together and we had plenty to laugh about as we all had an audience when we got sick. At this new island, we saw massive, full-sized conch shells the other island didn’t have and we played delightful games in the water for hours. We appreciated this day more than any of the others because of the sacrifice it took to get there. Even with the discomfort, we all agreed we would make that same choice all over again.

It’s the same way with conflict in marriage. It’s no fun and definitely uncomfortable to have an argument with the one we love. But if we offer this process to God, He is faithful to redeem it and use it as a way to draw us closer to one another and closer to Him. 

Ever since you were a baby, you have been in relationships with other people. Certainly you have picked up conflict resolution skills along the way! Still, I find reminders to be super helpful. Scripture renews my mind and I hope it offers the same boost for you today, as we call to mind savvy ways to resolve conflict in marriage.

“Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving];” ‭‭James‬ ‭1:19‬ ‭(AMP)‬‬

This short verse packs in a recommended process for healthy communication AND conflict resolution. 

We referenced this verse in a different version last week, and now as it’s explained further in the Amplified version, it helps us further understand this timeless advice. 

The bottom line is: turn to God and  s l o w   d o w n  to enjoy your marital relationship more. 

Last week, we learned effective ways to communicate in marriage. Now we will focus on applying those skills to conflict resolution. 

Here’s a recap of proactive steps for healthy communication:

  1. Be quick to hear by being a careful and thoughtful listener.
  2. Be slow to speak.
  3. When we do speak, carefully choose our words. 

Listening for the speaker’s intended message and carefully choosing our own words when we are the speaker is a mature mix for more thoughtful communication. It may sound like a chore up front, but my dear friend sums it up this way. For a better relationship, as it relates to conversation: “slow is smooth and smooth is fast.”

Especially in seasons when we feel depleted from medical issues, heavy work loads, or years when young children require constant attention, our conversation can easily drift to feeling more transactional with our spouse. This Scripture counteracts that temptation by offering a thoughtful approach to remind us to slow down, speak kindly to each other, and listen well. 

Simply applying these first three suggestions from this piece of Scripture will lead to fewer conflicts because it helps us avoid miscommunication which is at the heart of most arguments.

However, we are not left without practical application in this verse for times when our communication still turns into miscommunication. When that happens, we are encouraged to be slow to grow angry. Even better, this Bible verse specifically lays out key elements of conflict resolution: patience, reflection, and forgiveness. 

“Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]”

Let’s elaborate on each part of the process:

  1. Patience helps us slow down and put off becoming angry. 

Some anger is righteous anger, but that’s not what we are talking about here. We know this because the next verse goes on to say: 

for the [resentful, deep-seated] anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God [that standard of behavior which He requires from us]. James 1:20 (AMP)

We have talked about scientific reasons for this many times on The Savvy Sauce. Various guests have described our physiological response when we get angry and triggered. The blood in our brain flows to a part that is highly emotional and reactive. It activates our fight/flight/freeze response and doesn’t allow us to process anything logically. Some people call this our “animal brain.”

On the other hand, when we can slow down and get back into our “thinking brain,” that is where we can apply reason and respond thoughtfully, rather than carelessly react. 

In parenting, we train our children to do this by taking deep, intentional breaths (Chad Hayenga talks more about this in Connection and Correction in Parenting). One mom modeled this by choosing to rub lotion on her hands every time she was getting angry. Instead of lashing out verbally, this process slowed down her emotions and got her brain back into a more productive mode. She avoided saying unkind things she didn’t mean to some of the people she loves the most.

In our marriage, these same practices can benefit us in conflict resolution. You can try counting backwards from 100 by 8s to get the blood returning to the more helpful part of your brain. This practical application brings patience into the equation, which slows down our anger. 

This application is for our mind and body, and here is the application for our spirit:

Patience is a fruit of the Spirit, meaning the Holy Spirit produces this fruit in us when we abide in Christ (more on that in Fruitful). This is good news because all we have to do is turn to God when we are starting to become impatient, and ask for Him to help us. He can help us be slower to become angry.

  1. Reflection helps us become slower to grow angry. 

What were the initial things you found attractive in your spouse, both physically and in relation to their character? Those are likely not the attributes you are focusing on when you are in the midst of a conflict, right?!

However, if reflection slows down the process of getting angry and helps us restore our relationship, maybe we could try reflecting on some of those things! 

I’ve heard pastor Ted Cunningham preach about how he keeps a list of all the attributes he loves about his wife. Anytime something positive comes to mind, he adds it to the list. Then he is prepared for reflection when an argument arises. He can take five minutes, review the list (which probably helps him get back in his “thinking brain”) and then he approaches her in a very different way when they re-engage in the conversation.

Reminders are powerful!

In the heat of conflict, it may be really difficult to come up with all the positive things we know to be true about our spouse. Instead, let’s commit to making an ongoing list on our phone or on a piece of paper, so we can refer to it at an opportune moment.

This simple practice is worth a try because gratitude is always beneficial! What would your list include? What do you love and enjoy and appreciate about your spouse?

  1. Forgiveness is a wise weapon that has the power to overcome anger within us.

When I think of forgiveness, I think of Corrie ten Boom. Have you read her book, The Hiding Place? She was a faithful Christian woman who suffered at the hands of Nazis, yet she was able to powerfully forgive someone who mistreated her when she asked God to allow her to forgive in His power. She offered what she could and reached out her hands to touch the man who was asking for forgiveness, and God supplied the rest!

We are reminded in Romans 12:21 that we are able to overcome evil with good. Even when something is done to us or against us, we can overcome that evil by offering genuine forgiveness, which is so good.

But how do we actually forgive as Christ forgave us? This goes back to 1 Corinthians 13 where we are reminded that love holds no record of wrongs. When I read this, I instantly ask, what does this actually look like? This is where I’ve landed for now: We forgive because we are choosing to do this unto Christ and not unto man. As a bonus, God says we will have a reward in Heaven! And then He goes a step further and He provides the power and ability when we simply turn to Him and ask. 

We can’t do this alone. I can’t emphasize this enough. We can’t do this in our own strength! The only way to truly forgive is through Christ’s power, which is available to us if we have surrendered our lives to Him and received Him as our Savior. 

Forgiveness is too great of a topic to cover in one small section of an article, but I have found the best study to be in the Bible. Here are a few verses to get you started with your own study: Matthew 6:14-15, Matthew 18:21-22, and Ephesians 4:32.

Now we can put all our action steps together:

“Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]”

I hope this Scripture comes to mind for each of us the next time we are tempted to give in to deep-seated or resentful anger. These other actions produce a much better outcome! A relationship at peace is a much better outcome than a relationship full of strife, due to unbridled anger and a lack of conflict resolution. Conflict resolution is worth the effort!

It’s also important to note that sometimes our marital conflict will require a third party. I would recommend Faithful Counseling as a starting place available to anyone in the United States. If you want to give it a try, they are offering our readers 10% off your first month when you sign up through this link

And one of my favorite episodes related to this topic is Communication and Healthy Conflict Resolution with Kelley Gray

My prayer today is that together, we may “Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]”.

Lots of love,

Laura

At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Leave a Reply

Share on Social Media
Follow us on Social Media