130. Parenting 0-18 with Daniel Huerta
Hebrews 13:9 (middle) NIV “It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace,"
**Transcription Below**
Danny Huerta (MSW, LCSW) is Vice President, Parenting and Youth, at Focus on the Family. Huerta oversees Focus’ initiatives that equip mothers and fathers with biblical principles and counsel for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith. Huerta is a bilingual, licensed clinical social worker. For many years, he has provided families with practical parenting advice on topics ranging from media discernment, discipline and communication to mental health issues, conflict resolution and healthy sexuality in the home. He is passionate about coming alongside of parents as they raise contributors instead of consumers in a culture desperately in need of God’s kingdom. He has been interviewed by various media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, and WORLD Magazine. Huerta earned a master’s degree in social work from the University of Denver Graduate School of Social Work and a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Colorado – Colorado Springs. He is currently finishing his doctorate in clinical psychology at California Southern University. He has maintained a private practice in Colorado Springs since 2003 and served on the Focus on the Family counseling team for eleven years. He and his wife, Heather, have been married since 1997 and love being parents to their two teen kids, Alex and Lexi.
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7 Traits of Effective Parenting with Daniel Huerta
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Dwell is an audio Bible app our family recently discovered, and now we love it. Dwell's mission is simple: to help you get in the Word and stay in the Word. And I think that is the ultimate practical application for intentional living. Visit dwellapp.io to get a 20% discount today.
Daniel Huerta is my guest today, and we get to do a deep dive into the topic of parenting from ages 0 to 18. He's going to equip us with countless tools to support our efforts in raising healthy, resilient children who are rooted in a thriving faith. Near the end of our chat, he's even going to break down recommendations of where to focus during each phase of parenting for maximum impact and enjoyment. [00:01:19]
Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Daniel.
Daniel Huerta: Hey, thank you for having me on the show. I'm so excited to be with you, Laura. It's an honor and a privilege to be with you.
Laura Dugger: Well, I'm excited for this time together as well. Can you just start us off by sharing a bit about yourself, your family, and your work?
Daniel Huerta: Wow. Well, I was born in Mexico City and moved to the United States when I was eight and a half. I've really enjoyed growing up in a Christian home and living here in Colorado, Colorado Springs.
I have been married for about 23 years now and have three teenagers, 17, 15, and 13, and just love being a dad. I've been working in the counseling field for over 20 years. I worked in the school system for five and then worked at Focus on the Family for 16 years and have had a private practice for 11 years working. Actually, not 11, 20 years working with families and counseling and working through a lot of brokenness in homes and seeing God's miraculous working in families. [00:02:29]
And then I've worked as now the vice president of parenting and youth at Focus on the Family for the last five years and have really, really enjoyed being able to lead everything that comes out of Focus on the Family that has to do with parenting, something that is very near and dear to my heart since I love being a dad and do see the transformation of that relationship for both the parents and the kids. That's really what I love coming in to Focus on the Family for.
Just so you know, my family, I have a son as my oldest and then two daughters. So I have both the boys and girls in their teen years.
Laura Dugger: Well, that's incredibly important work. As you think back to all of these families that you've counseled over two decades, what would you say is the most powerful story that you can recall?
Daniel Huerta: There's several stories. I vividly remember one time when a lady called the counseling line at Focus on the Family. [00:03:32] She was crying and screaming and had locked herself in the bathroom and said, "I can't do this anymore. I'm going to hurt my kids. I feel like beating them." Those words were super penetrating in my heart. Then I could hear her kids in the background banging on the door and calling out for her.
She had just had enough. She said, "I don't know what to do. I'm alone. I'm scared. I'm keeping my kids safe from me." She was completely stressed out and overwhelmed. I got to be present with her over the phone and give her some words of encouragement. I prayed with her and gave her some practical tools and then also just brought perspective back to where she was at.
Just in that moment, tolerating and accepting the feelings that she was having in that moment, acknowledged her stress. I could hear her breathing start to return back to normal after some time. Normally, our calls will take maybe 20, 30 minutes. We were on at more than an hour. Her sobbing started to come down. [00:04:32]
She had a plan in place. That's what she needed. She needed to have a reset button. She felt ready to get back into it with her kids. I checked back with her a couple weeks later, and she was doing fantastic. We had put some things in place so she wouldn't be back to where she was at.
She continued in a trajectory that was very positive for herself and for her kids. And that was just so exciting to just see that impact and to see her reset. Many parents find themselves completely in over their heads. They find themselves very stressed out.
And some of them in the moment have an impulse moment of reaction to their kids, which can create a lot of pain and difficulty in the home. But this mom, she knew she needed to just get away for a moment. I was so thankful that she called our line in that moment instead of doing what she felt like doing in that moment. [00:05:33]
So that's one that I can think of right now. I vividly remember that phone call. Sometimes we complain about technology but in that case, that was an amazing moment that couldn't have happened without technology.
There have been many other moments with families. I think we could spend probably the whole time, Laura, with some powerful stories of God intervening at the right time and creating the divine appointments that He so frequently does and those invitations that we get to be a part of as Christians, if we're lined up with the Holy Spirit, including with our kids, our very own kids, being able to be present in the moments we need to be present in.
Laura Dugger: I just admire that woman for, like you said, utilizing the technology available to her. When you think back to that story, do you remember a few of those practical steps that you helped her put in place in case someone listening wants their own type of reset right now? [00:06:33]
Daniel Huerta: Yeah. One of them was that she got to look at herself in the mirror and talk to herself. What would she tell another mom to do in that moment? Kind of stepping out of her emotional moment and into the kind of the cognitive thinking side. What would she tell a mom to do and how would she encourage a mom in this very moment?
Then we talked about the importance of just taking a deep breath and picturing God with her in that moment. The things that she loves about her kids.
Also looking at what emotions were overwhelming her, kind of isolating the specific emotions that felt so overwhelming and figuring out the signals. What thoughts were creating those very specific emotions?
And then even going further back, what's the belief? Did she believe that she needed to be a perfect parent? Did she believe that her kids were doing what they were doing intentionally against her? [00:07:34] Gaining some interpretation that was so, so helpful for her to be able to see her kids through a lens of compassion.
Then also some practical tools such as being able to give her kids some goals and some jobs that they could do. And helping her understand her kids' temperaments, the differences that her kids brought. And when they're misbehaving, what that may mean.
Sometimes you have some impulsive kids that are just missing stop signs. So she was going to make some stop signs for one of her kids to be able to learn how to stop and think. And then having that as part of the home.
We talked about a celebration jar. When kids are doing what they're asked to do to put a marble into the jar. She had very young kids and so we talked about putting those marbles. And at the end when that's filled, they got to do a celebration. That's when they got to either have an ice cream treat or go to the park. [00:08:34] So it was a structure that she needed in the home because it felt so chaotic to her.
And then giving herself compassion that her house could be messy. That was okay. It didn't make her a bad mom. It's just a season of life where things are chaotic. And being able to accept that and tolerate the fact that that's the truth in that moment and it doesn't mean that she's a bad mom. It just means that there's a lot going on in her home.
So helping her just interpret from multiple angles the situation she found herself in. And then just encouraging her, praying for her, and saying, hey, you got this. You're the one for this job. These kids are waiting for you and excited to interact with you and learn from you as their mom. And just know you're the prime candidate for this and you do have a loving heart for your kids.
I gave her the example of her locking herself in the bathroom and calling. [00:09:34] That was a very loving thing to do in order to reset and be ready for her kids.
Laura Dugger: That sounds like you definitely were able to encourage her heart with grace. I'm curious then from your work experience also, what are a few examples of patterns you've noticed with families who are getting it right? By prioritizing the things that they're grateful they prioritized when they reflect back.
Daniel Huerta: The key word you use there is "prioritize". There's so many demands on us as parents. It's like you're getting pulled in multiple directions. And it's being able to see what's important rather than what's urgent. There will always be urgent things. From the smoke alarms going off to laundry to have done, things to be cleaned. It's a constant thing.
So what I've seen parents do when they're getting it right, number one is they learn to press pause on their own brain and match up their train of thought with their kid's train of thought. [00:10:36] So they look straight into the kid's eyes, and they're present with their child when they're talking to them.
Many times our minds are going in multiple directions, and our train of thought continues to go. And we're not in the same train station as our child. For some parents, I'll tell them, Hey, just tell your kids that you need to stop your train. The momentum is going. The breaks take a while to take on, to engage. And that you'll meet them at the train station in five minutes.
So put a five-minute timer, get your mind prepared to really be present with your child if they're wanting to talk, and then picture yourself coming into a train station, your trains of thought, just joining up together. So really being present.
Then being intentional about meals together, dinner time, breakfast, whenever you can. Some parents will do a consistent breakfast with each child if they're able to do that, at least once a month. Having regular patterns like camping or a vacation spot that they consistently go to, taking walks together. [00:11:40]
It's the repetition that kids remember of that relational time. It doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't have to be a complex, very spendy thing. It can be reading together. It can be exercising together. It's the idea... even cooking or baking together, and having that be a cultural norm in the home, that you're going to have a child help you with a certain meal.
In our home, the teenagers take turns cooking. Usually, either my wife or myself will become the assistant in their time cooking so that we're still together. It's not just them doing it. We come alongside. We get to have that side-by-side time. And then the rest of the family gets to help with the cleaning of what was done and vice versa. So we take turns doing some of that.
Even discussions about finances and how to manage finances. It's all these intentional types of things that the kids come to remember because they're repetitive, there's a lot of predictability to them. [00:12:45] Board games at dinnertime. I know several families that have done that, and they've had great conversations. It helps the family linger at the dinner table rather than rush, pound it down, and on they go.
It's setting even a timer, 30, 45 minutes you eat, and then have some time together playing, leaving the board game out, and then everybody gets back to their homework and other things that need to be done, especially the teens. But having that time together, prayer time, and reading the Bible together, reading it out loud as a family is so, so powerful. And being able to share openly and pray for one another and have the kids each take turns praying. Those are the times when I see families doing it right.
And notice it's not about perfection. It's not about having the cleanest home. It's not about comparing to other parents. It's about a relationship culture that's created in the home.
Laura Dugger: It reminds me of a previous guest, and I can't remember if this is original to Dr. Gary Chapman, but it sounds like you're saying love in the home is spelled T-I-M-E. Is that right? [00:13:55]
Daniel Huerta: I would say T-I-M-E and focus and attention. Because many times we'll give our kids time, but our mind is still on other things. And it's bringing our mind into the time so that our kids truly feel that you're there with them because your soul and your mind may be somewhere else, and your body may be there giving them time.
But I've seen a lot of parents still worried or thinking about other things, and maybe the phone vibrates, and they're thinking about that, and they're thinking about the next moment, and they miss out on the present moment. That's where I encourage parents making sure their mind is there present with the children, and whatever they need to do to be present, it makes a big difference on how that time is felt.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's a good clarification. Those are a few ways that you've seen people getting it right, but it's also helpful to know some warning signs too. Would you also share some of the most destructive practices you see in families? [00:14:56]
Daniel Huerta: Yeah. I'd say too busy, being too busy, too many things they're saying yes to, and they're just scattered, going everywhere, not having mealtimes together. Very little time for conversation. Some families feel the pressure to bring technology in early. That can really, really affect conversation. Now they're having to manage conflict around too much time on the telephone. And the kid, their brains just aren't ready for the onslaught of technology and the demands around that, and the advertising, and all those things that come with it.
So when families don't have boundaries or rules, and they feel like they need to make their kids happy, that's super destructive.
Sarcasm is also one that I see can shut down conversation and openness in the home. When there's no warmth and it's all rules and criticism, it can really fold up a child emotionally.
Sometimes kids feel the need to make their parents happy in order to gain their love, and so they feel responsible for their parents' emotions. [00:16:04] So I've seen it go bad where a parent is trying to satisfy their own emotional brokenness through their children, and it puts too much pressure emotionally and psychologically on that child.
I've also seen parents fear failure, conflict, imperfection. They feel this need for their child to have excellence and perfection, and they put so much pressure on that child that they miss out on life. And that child begins to become so anxious and stressed out, and it really affects their relationship.
There are some homes that become so, so caught up in the urgent things that they miss out on the important relational connection spiritually with God and pausing and listening to what God has to tell them. They don't have margin to have the Holy Spirit truly work inside of them as parents, but also the children and taking that time to pause together, to listen to the Holy Spirit together, and having that time of prayer and Scripture time together. A lot of times that time gets pushed aside, and they say, Hey, later we'll get to that, we'll go to church on Sunday, and sometimes that even gets pushed off because everybody's so tired. [00:17:22]
So that's when I've seen the patterns and the habits just get off balance, and the families start to erode slowly. It's not an immediate thing, and many times the effects are seen in the teen years.
Laura Dugger: Thank you for sharing those warnings. I think that it is really important to know some of those red flags, because if anyone's experiencing shame right now, the good news is that you can change at any time. When you bring this to God and you're praying about it and your heart is in the right place, this is an opportunity to repent and do it differently.
But there is another destructive practice that you mention in your book, and it's when you're talking about a kid-centric home. What are the negative effects that you've seen from this type of environment?
Daniel Huerta: It gives an unrealistic perspective to a child that the world revolves around them. They don't get to understand relationship, the reality of relationship, where we're transformed by the opportunity to contribute into other people's lives, that children become consumers of people and relationships. [00:18:31]
They don't learn how to handle big emotions like disappointment and failure. They don't learn how to disagree with people and navigate disagreement. Limits and boundaries are almost offensive to a child in a kid-centric home. They have this psychological entitlement that the world is supposed to mold and bend around them.
They have a hard time maintaining relationships and respecting other people and their ideas. They think that their ideas should be the ones. Their focus becomes their own happiness. So it's super destructive because it's a goal that's never attained. Happiness is not a destination. It's an experience as you're living life and going in a direction.
If we're pursuing Christ with all our heart, we'll experience joy, we'll experience happiness in moments along the way. Happiness is a signal we get as an experience to something. [00:19:31]
The world has created kid-centric homes around this idea that I just want my child to be happy. That's their destination and their goal. It wasn't designed to be that way. All it creates is depression, anxiety, unhappiness, and this sense of entitlement in a child that can be destructive to their relationships and it can create more of a narcissistic type of tendency in that child.
Laura Dugger: I just want to give people a little taste of your book. So I'm going to read one of your quotes. It's on pages 64 and 65 where you write, "Children in these kid-centric homes do not get the benefit of learning how to respond to disappointment, respond to the word no, manage impatient feelings, respect and understand limits and boundaries, work toward goals with self-discipline, maintain relationships, serve others, understand and respect others' ideas, wishes, and thoughts." [00:20:36] I just thought that was so powerful how you captured all of that.
Daniel Huerta: Thank you so much. It's sad to see it. I've seen several of these kids in the 10 years end up in counseling in my private practice as the families are trying to navigate now how to begin to reverse some of these things that have been built, unlearning some of this in their child, and the patterns have become difficult for parents.
Laura Dugger: If you see a lot of them at that age, if we could just back it up to first-time parents or parents of toddlers and elementary school-aged children, do you have any red flags or warning signs that they can begin to identify that they may be too focused on the kids in an unhealthy way?
Daniel Huerta: Yeah. Help children learn how to really offset the goal here. The goal is to create empathy, humility, generosity in children early on, helping children be able to see the feelings in other people and to respond to those feelings. [00:21:44] Not that they take ownership of that. It's to understand and empathize on the feelings that other people have to see beyond themselves.
A child as early as 18 months can experience and begin to build empathy. And that's a building block towards humility. If you develop that early on in life, you will see children that are relationally intelligent as they grow older. Kids are naturally self-preserving. So they want things for themselves. That doesn't make it bad. There's a natural drive to that just because there's a natural survival.
What you get to teach as a parent is the opposing side, where you get to teach them how to think beyond themselves, how to become contributors in other people's lives, within God's kingdom story. And whenever they feel a certain emotion, helping them interpret that emotion in light of how they're seeing the situation.
So if a child plays with a toy that they wanted, maybe they get to see the experience for that child. [00:22:49] Wow, I'm happy for that child. They got to play with that toy. It must have been fun because I enjoy playing with that toy too. I'm looking forward to the time I get to turn with that toy as well.
And so letting them have the experience that other kids can also feel good and have good experiences with something that they've experienced as well. So helping them in their mind be able to say that out loud. And it takes a lot of intentionality and training and conversation on the part of the parent along the way at each age and stage.
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Laura Dugger: Daniel, I've asked you a lot about your perspective as a counselor, but as a father, what personally weighs heaviest on you?
Daniel Huerta: I'd say the balance of time and attention, demands. I want to love my wife well and model that in my home. I want to do my work well, and there are a lot of demands there. Learning to be friendly with the word "no" so that I can take care of the important as a father and as a husband. I have to always remind myself guidance for my children requires my attention, my time, my energy. It weighs heavy on me how important time with my children is for my attachment with them.
But also the impact of a dad is tremendous in the lives of sons and daughters. For my daughter, I get to talk to her about very important topics around dating and how — my two daughters actually — about how they should be treated by men in the future as they're considering dating down the road. [00:26:02] In our home, it's after 16. And we look at the maturity and how they're doing there. Then with my son, you know, how is he a contributor of people around him and also around the topics of day.
And so having those intentional conversations and making time for that. And that requires sometimes disappointing people saying no and being able to be okay with people sometimes being disappointed that I can't make everyone happy. But I can certainly look at what's important and engage with that because there's an ultimate bigger picture that I need to be focused on.
As a dad, I have unique things to offer and so does my wife. So building into my wife and encouraging her, paying attention to the way that I can feel her as a husband so that she brings her uniqueness and the unique contribution as a mom to our children and where she feels energized.
The wife is so important for me because it's so easy for us to come in and criticize right away. [00:27:04] "Hey, you know, what about this? What about that? Why isn't this done?" And that is so unhelpful to the energy of a mom who has a lot of demands on her plate.
So just pressing that reset button. We get sunrises and sunsets every day. And as dads, we're not going to get it right or perfect at all. But really with intentionality coming in and awareness of our impact to our wives and our kids will really cause us to get our A game on as we step in the door after our job. And then this is the invitation of transforming our own home and building in our kids some amazing, powerful things that will set a ripple effect within other relationships in the family tree.
Laura Dugger: One of the first parts of your book that gripped my attention was a section on relationship connectedness. Will you elaborate on oxytocin and how it's actually God's design for promoting healthy connections with others? [00:28:08]
Daniel Huerta: I think it's one of the greatest scientific finds. I love oxytocin. I picture is the glue that God created for relationships. It's important for us to understand that.
See, for a mom, the oxytocin is released at conception and it begins to release with a child. And it's the attachment hormone that God has designed inside of us to be able to see our kids as cute when they're not necessarily cute when they're born.
When they're born, you see other people's kids like, Wow, a little cone shape, a little red and rashy. But the parents see them as super cute. And even when they're crying. That's for the survival of the child. There's attachment, love. For a dad, oxytocin is released the more time a dad spends with their children. And that's, again, that bonding chemical.
And as we understand that as parents, we can teach our kids about that. Because in dating, whenever you're with a person that you're choosing to be with, dating-wise, oxytocin is released. [00:29:12] And when there's that physical connectedness, a kiss or hugs, it's almost like a tattoo emotionally because of the oxytocin and attachment that's released. And in the memory, there's a glue that's put there.
So whenever people talk about teens, say, "Man, I do believe in premarital sex. It's fine," there's an intense amount of oxytocin released with those relationships. And by the time you get to a marriage relationship, the glue isn't so sticky because you have so much oxytocin is being released with multiple people.
So oxytocin is really an important bonding chemical to understand. And from a parent's point of view for dads, realize that the more time you spend in those early years, the more oxytocin you release. If you don't spend that time, you won't have the oxytocin released and you won't experience that deep attachment with your kids like you could.
God has designed it to be that way. It draws us near and closer, more cooperative to one another to the point that we'd be willing to take a bullet for somebody else because of that close attachment where we just would give everything for that person. [00:30:23]
Laura Dugger: And that's so available because the way you're describing it, that happens through our relationships in hugs and smiles and conversations with eye contact. So that feels very doable.
Daniel Huerta: Yes, it is. Every day. I call them invitations. We get micro invitations all day long. Your child smiles at you, maybe you're working, you smile back. That was an invitation of connection. If your child holds your hand and you hold theirs, it's an invitation. And you can initiate the invitation, especially with teenagers, with a hug or a smile towards them. With my daughter, she loves touch.
So even at church at 15, my oldest daughter, I'll do cosquillas. The reason I'm saying one daughter each time is we just took in custodial guardianship of our other daughter just two months ago. So it's very new to me to have this third daughter in our home and just learning the patterns with her and developing that oxytocin released with this new daughter in our home. [00:31:27]
She's 13, coming in as a teenager. So we haven't had the benefit of these 13 chapters of her life. And so trying to catch up with that. She wasn't used to any type of relationship with a father at all. Now having that love and attention and affection from a dad has been really unusual for her, but she loves it. And at the same time, she doesn't know how to take that. If I come up and just give her a hug, she's starting to love that. And that's the oxytocin that we're creating. And that can even be created at the age of 13. It's a powerful thing that God has created for us to be able to experience.
Laura Dugger: What you're modeling, I hope that part is especially encouraging to someone as they listen and just realize it's never too late. Today's a great day to give it a try.
Daniel Huerta: Absolutely. Being able to have that connectedness eye to eye with your child. Even saying, "I am sorry, is the beginning, the starting point. I am sorry. And I want us to bridge and reconnect. And I love you. I give everything for you. Let's start over. Let's figure out a plan together." [00:32:42]
Then just starting that consistency with patience and compassion for the journey. It's going to take time. For us here, it's 13 years of undoing some very destructive patterns in this young girl's life. I know it's going to take a long time. She can't tell me "I love you". She can't say it yet. And I totally understand that. It's going to take time for her to get to that point where she can say that.
Sometimes in our own kids, with a lot of absence or other things that have happened, don't park in shame. Guilt is a drive-through. You go, Oh, okay. And then you do something about it. You don't park there. There's plenty to be done. And God is a God of reconciliation. That's the ministry he began. Let's step into that and know that there is a lot of room for grace, compassion, and reconciliation. And starting today, Laura, is there's no better time.
Laura Dugger: Thanks for sharing that hope. A few more parenting themes you discuss are short-sightedness, stress, and sleep. [00:33:48] So can you share healthy ways to manage each of these S words in parenting?
Daniel Huerta: Yeah, the short-sightedness, you know, our brain naturally goes there. So you're working against the natural flow of your brain. And by short-sightedness, I mean the very moment where you're feeling completely stressed out and there's a that-wasn't-supposed-to-happen moment that happens that moment.
Like a child spills something all over the place and it goes on your papers and everything. The short-sightedness is, you know, "I can't believe this. This is awful." Looking at those emotions and pausing for a moment.
And some parents, some moms have actually put pause buttons all over their house and in their car so that they can pause and catch a longer view of life. There's a moment of stress in that moment with your child where it's an opportunity, an invitation to teach and to guide. And so you can look with compassion to your child and pause and maybe smile and enter that moment, tolerating, accepting what has happened with a longer view in mind. [00:34:59] That there's a relationship that's being built. You're teaching things.
Most of the things kids do are accidental. They didn't mean to and sometimes it's because they were hyper or couldn't handle certain emotion. So really the goal is to teach them that.
Stress is one of the biggest things that can get the best parent off track. You can have the parents that could teach a class. They could teach many things. And stress in a moment can cause you to make the wrong choice.
I'll give you an example of a stressful moment with my daughter. She reminds me of this all the time. We were in a parking lot. It was nighttime. We were on vacation, my family and my extended family, my parents up in the mountains. We went out to get something out of the car and one of the doors hadn't shut all the way.
My daughter went to shut it but she stuck her finger right as I was coming with my whole body to slam the door shut. She stuck her finger into the door area to close it. I don't know what she was exactly doing in that moment. [00:36:01] She was really, really little. And I slammed it and all of a sudden she is screaming at the top of her lungs and I'm looking around going, "Oh no. Everybody is going to wake up." I'm not necessarily in that moment. My brain just went prrr. It just froze up and I'm stressed out.
I could unlock the door and open the door. I mean that would make sense but I ripped her hand out of the door. I really probably could have ripped her finger off. It just was not a moment of rational thought. Her finger was cut real bad and I was going, "What did I just do?" So she reminds me, "Dad, you almost ripped my finger off."
So those are the moments where you make a split-second reaction instead of stopping and thinking and responding. In that moment, I was more nervous about what people... if I was going to wake people up, if people are going to come in. She's screaming. I can't concentrate and I just pulled her out and I said, Wow, okay.
There are plenty of those moments for us as parents. [00:37:02] It doesn't have to be that extreme. It's just a moment in the grocery store, other places where maybe a child is screaming and we're thinking about what other people may be thinking. That's stress and it brings out the poorest parenting in us.
So what we need to do is when we're feeling the sensation of stress and we know that, pressing pause and regaining our brain. It's like our brain is running around and we need to grab it, put it back in, and have our mind truly respond instead of react to what's going on.
Many times it requires having good quality sleep. If you're not sleeping well, there are so many good supplements like magnesium and others, not melatonin because then your body doesn't produce that. But there are great supplements, teas, different things like that that can help relax your body. Even if you do a bath each night with some Epsom salt or something to relax your body if you're in that high-stress season of life.
Take some time to really help your brain regroup because sleep time is the way for your brain to clean up the party from the day before so there can be a new party the next day. [00:38:09] I see way too many sleep-deprived parents make poor decisions while stress is coming out in the next day.
Every day we're going to have stress. So putting in a pattern of exercise, taking a walk, pressing pause. I tell parents to put in five timeouts. Maybe on the refrigerator or on a dry-erase board where they can mark their five timeouts they took throughout the day. That's a good habit to develop. And your kids can see you doing that. Say, "Hey, here's my first timeout, guys. I'm going..." maybe it's a minute, maybe it's 30 seconds, maybe it's five minutes. And you can put the amount of time you want to do there. You put the timer. You disappear into the bathroom or maybe it's a walk if your kids are old enough.
But you take a timeout to regroup so that you're energized and you refill the bucket so that as the spigot opens up, you're not drained out quickly.
Laura Dugger: One more practical application that you write about here on page 56 as it relates to being proactive about managing our stress. [00:39:11] You write, "I can tell you from years as a counselor that parents who made the time for exercise were less stressed, more engaged, and more confident and generally sported a more open and wise mind in parenting."
Daniel Huerta: Oh, yeah. I just say, yes, exercise is an amazing thing. Even simple exercise, five minutes to an hour, can make a huge difference in how your brain and body engages.
Laura Dugger: I just think that's one example of a practical application. I really appreciated all the practicality of your book and the many stories that you include. So as the title reveals, there are seven traits of effective parenting. One of them is gratitude. Why is gratitude so crucial to well-being in families?
Daniel Huerta: I really believe it's the reset of the mind that God created. It allows for us to see from a different perspective. [00:40:11] I always ask the question, what's another way to look at this? And gratitude offers that. Even in adversity or difficulty... You know, we compliment other people, "Hey, that's a great way to look at that," even though it's a real hard moment.
Gratitude allows our mind to be flexible enough to see something from a perspective based off of humility and thankfulness to something that maybe naturally you wouldn't necessarily be thankful for. But you see a bigger picture in mind that, "Hey, maybe there's this disappointment now. But maybe this is something necessary for now. And I'm thankful for that because it causes growth in my soul and my being. And you have this growth mindset rather than this catastrophic fixed mindset that says that if something bad happened, it's always going to be bad.
We know that there's good moments and bad moments in life. And gratitude means that we're thankful for both. We see that in Paul. [00:41:12] When he reached that place in his soul, he said he could handle anything, even death, because he knew he was thankful for the relationship with God and the fact that he'd have eternal life with his heavenly father.
Either way, even with death, there was a gain to be had. So when you have gratitude, you don't get sucked into the emotional whirlwind. It allows for your mind to have the reset in order to truly see the moment as something that can be a gift to you.
Laura Dugger: I won't give away all the parts of your book because I hope everyone listening can experience it for themselves. But again, a practical part of this or something savvy that you write about is, with gratitude, simply taking pictures. That was such a good reminder with our family to go back and look at pictures of when they were younger and share that together. It does promote gratitude. [00:42:12]
You even note that our brains positively respond to genuine smiles and we ignore fake smiles. So I just think that's fascinating how God wired us.
Daniel Huerta: Yes, yes. I love that you bring that up. Every New Year's, I love to have our family take a look at the pictures we had throughout the year because we so quickly forget all the good moments. We can become focused on what's not going well.
And when we look back at all the pictures and memories and opportunities for relationship, it can be so powerful in our being to do that New Year's and anticipating and praying for the coming year. But taking time to reflect on those highlights from the year before and that solidifies those good memories in the mind, in the memory as a family. And you can kind of re-experience those.
And then you can take mental pictures of moments where you just almost can even just blink your eyes and say, I'm so thankful for this moment I have with my child. [00:43:12] I'm thankful for what God has given me. And being able to see moments and invitations in life as gifts that are given to us. Because there'll be plenty of moments that are difficult to manage. But God gives us those moments that are so powerful relationally that we can take pictures of.
I encourage parents to use the camera a lot. I've heard so many parents regret not taking enough pictures. I've rarely heard any parent regret taking too many pictures along the way. Sometimes the kids will complain, you know, ah, we have more pictures. But then later on, they love, they love to look back at those pictures and remember.
Laura Dugger: Thanks to our friend, Joy. TheSavvySauce.com has been completely updated. And if you follow The Savvy Sauce on social media, you're already aware that we launched a new tab on January 1st titled "Articles". I hope you check out these new savvy snacks, which are articles full of quick tips for intentional living. [00:44:15] Check out these articles today or join our email list to have them directly delivered to your inbox. Enjoy.
As we raise our kids, I think it's super helpful to learn what is typical for children at all the various ages. You've even pointed out how this knowledge helps us extend grace and forgiveness. So what are some of the parental concerns you hear at each age and stage?
Daniel Huerta: Zero to three, I've heard of parents really having difficulty sharing the responsibilities between husband and wife. Criticism really comes to a peak there at the beginning where they're trying to adjust to who feels comfortable with what. Then there's sleep deprivation that's going on.
The questions that come up is, you know, should we have a babysitter? Do we trust enough people to take care of our kids? And then for some parents, the noise level is high. [00:45:15] Being able to learn when to discipline.
But the biggest one really are the sleepless nights, health of children. What do we do? My child has a fever and it's getting really high. And it creates a lot of anxiety for parents at that stage.
Strong will is a huge one. When you get a strong-willed young child, 0 to 3, it begins to show up and it really begins to challenge the relationship between husband and wife. And just know if you're having a 0 to 3 year old for the first time, the feelings of satisfaction in the marriage hit an all-time low during that time. So be patient with it. You're just very tired. Physical intimacy and other things just kind of go out the window. You don't feel like that and it creates conflict.
Dates kind of go out the window because there's so much demand on you guys. And so that relationship, you have to become super creative at having time together and then being able to encourage one another rather than criticize each other during that 0 to 3 stage. [00:46:20]
A couple other things that I'm thinking of is making sure as a parent, you realize this is the time to give sensitivity, warmth, touch. That's that oxytocin release. Be intentional about that. That will set the tone and the foundation to be able to correct and guide down the road. So spend that plenty of time with touch and wanting to hold them. You're going to have messes around the house. Accept those messes during that time because there's an important foundation being built.
And then behavior issues. When you see kids showing some behavior issues at 18 months all the way to 3, look at those as opportunities to begin to teach your child how to handle those big emotions in certain moments.
Take time to laugh. Laugh with each other. Playfulness is key as you navigate this season. Again, it's a season. It's not permanent. You won't be doing diapers forever. Be creative with your in-home dates. Have that time having dates together. And maybe it's candlelight in your own kitchen and having dessert together. [00:47:22] Make it simple during that time so that you can still have that time together.
Then four to seven. This is one where spiritual development is a concern for parents, how kids can learn self-control. And then you see some peer pressure start to come in. Sometimes technology. Do we need TV to help us or movies? What movies should my child watch? That comes in.
Then you have temper tantrums and kids start to explore, especially boys. They start to get into everything and they're very active, especially moms. If they're at home with that child at 4 years old, they can be exhausted by the end of the day. The attention span is so short that for parents that's a concern.
So what parents can do in response to that is learn to laugh and play with your kids. That's a very bonding thing that does release oxytocin. Allow for opportunities of failure and imperfection in there, but create structure intentionally in your home. This is where you can create those goals with a marble jar and set goals for your child. If they're cleaning up, you go, "Hey, let's go grab some marbles. Let's put in the jar. You were a helper to our home."
Or they were patient. You say, "Hey, I just saw patience in you." [00:48:38] And you use that word and help them learn that word patience. And you say, "Let's put some marbles in the jar or self-control. And you help label certain behaviors for them and bring words to that so that they understand what it is that you're looking for and how helpful that is.
Also, maybe creating a stress continuum for yourself. What stresses you out completely and what stresses your spouse out completely? And then being able to talk to each other where you're at in that continuum from 1 to 10 so that you know what you are needing.
And you can communicate that very quickly and openly with one another so that you're not at a ten trying to just manage it, and then you pop and your spouse doesn't know what's going on.
So having that stress continuum and then the things that will help you calm your stress down and have that self-care. Exercise, prayer, quiet time, a weekend away that you're needing. Something that can help with refueling. So you bring that stress level down.
Making sure you're clear and consistent in your boundaries as a couple. That is key. [00:49:41] You're setting the tone for the next few years, helping be consistent with that.
And then help your child learn their thought bubbles. Maybe you see a certain emotion, you go, "Hey, can you help me hear your thoughts? Let's talk about your thought bubbles." And you can even draw those on a paper and show the curiosity of what they're thinking about. Even if they're real quiet, you say, "Hey, what are you thinking about?" Helping them learn how to go into their thoughts and articulate their thoughts. You'll set the tone for conversations when they're preteens and teens.
And helping them learn the difference between their needs and their wants. Some kids think they need a toy, but it's a want. And helping them navigate and rank in order, prioritize the wants. That can be a great life skill that you teach your kids along the way.
Then we jump into the eight to 12-year-old range. That's one of my favorites. It's preparation for the teen years. And this is where you get to talk a lot about anxiety, moods. Negativity starts to kick in in the brain and a child feels all of a sudden negative over everything. [00:50:46] If they fail once, all of a sudden they're a failure or they stink at something. They're awful. You know, nobody likes me. They go to the “always”.
You want to teach them to see things from another perspective. So you can say, is there another way to look at that? That's a great question to ask an eight to 12-year-old when they're getting stuck in that permanency. Many times they'll say, Hey, so and so has a phone. When am I going to get a phone? There's no hurry. There's no rush to that. You don't have to compare to others.
I would recommend saying, "Well, we'll see how you handle what you have and the maturity. I usually recommend 16 years old is a good starting point potentially to have a phone and that onslaught of technology." And if they say, "Well, everyone has a phone," you can say, "Well, then great. You can call me any time then since everyone else has a phone." You don't need to be texting or any of those things.
So helping them learn the demands that come with that phone for families. [00:51:46] I'll tell them, Hey, have some observations of what impact the phone and technology has on their friends and kids around them. And to come back with kind of a report back to you.
But there's some significant changes taking place. This is when you have the talk and you talk about changes in the body. It can be an exciting, exciting time for you as a parent.
This is when you can mentor your child on how to use their time and how to navigate their attention, teach them how to handle losing and making mistakes by giving them perspective that they get to try again. That's so exciting. They're still growing. That you believe in them.
One-on-one time is key during that time to establish that habit and that pattern that you guys are going to have consistent time together. This is when you can start the journal, have little journals at each spot at the table where you can write quotes or words of encouragement to your child. [00:52:48] And that's their journal that they have. When they're feeling discouraged, they can go to those words of truth to them and just have them be able to write to you. So each one has their journal at the table. This is a great time to start that and to draw them and write certain things for them.
Talk about being contributors and friendships to other kids and what the vision is for dating in the future and being a contributor rather than a consumer. So it means doing things for the benefit of others rather than being kind and nice in order to benefit for me, for myself. That'd be a consumer. A contributor is one that wants the very best for that other person.
One pattern that I love to teach kids at this age is being noticers, noticers of other people, builders with words and with things they do, and connectors. So when they leave the house during that time going to school, you can say, Hey, how are you going to be a noticer of that child that needs God's love? [00:53:48] A noticer of somebody that's alone, noticer of other people's skills and talents and encouraging them with your words. Giving them that bigger kingdom story perspective.
You can actually take the quiz at bringyourbible.org. You can get the quiz on if you're a noticer, builder, connector, you know, which one's your strength. So families can take that at bringyourbible.org. You can take the quiz for that.
And then 13 to 18, this is one that we get a lot of calls on because kids are becoming more independent. You start to see patterns of behaviors. If a parent has not been that engaged, this is when some behaviors start to show up and some risk-taking takes place, which is very natural and normal.
Kids don't sleep as well during this time. Many times their melatonin doesn't kick in till one in the morning. So they're not tired at 11 or midnight. And parents say, "Hey, you need to go to bed. You need sleep." And that's so true. [00:54:50]
So trying to figure that out as a family, setting a pattern of the body, getting used to going to bed at 9 or 10 o'clock is huge for the brain to be ready for the next day. Just remember, you're not here to make your kids happy, but to handle life well and to guide them. There may be conflict and that's okay. This is a time for one-on-one relational time.
Help kids learn about what stresses them out so you can do that stress continuum with them. Listen a lot. Be involved. Spend time. This is where you have intentional moments of connectedness with your teen. In the early years, the bids for connection come your way from your young kids. The bids for connection now need to come from you at 13 to 18.
As husband and wife, you get to show intentionality of your relationship and loving each other and encouraging each other with words and being a team in the home so that the teenager doesn't feel like there's hypocrisy, but they see that connectedness and they participate in that culture that you set up. [00:56:00]
Many times you'll be asked the question, why for rules? Why is that rule there? Why can't I be out later? Don't be threatened by that. This is a time where they're trying to understand the value behind the boundary. And if you feel threatened by that, then maybe you need to figure out, how did we come up with this boundary? What is the value behind that? So you can respond very confidently.
You're not out past 10 because by 10 o'clock, the brain has very little self-control. And that's a known fact from science that throughout the day, self-control is used up neurologically. And by the time 10 o'clock rolls around, poor decisions are made. I don't think you're quite ready for that. And as they show more trustworthiness as they're getting older and more independence, you say, hey, you'll earn that. That's an earned privilege, not a right as you become a teenager.
So you help them have that conversation with you to understand those and reinforcing being contributors rather than consumers of people. [00:57:02] I think a huge thing here, Laura, is having moments that are healthy risks rather than unhealthy risks.
Risk-taking is normal. It's a very good, healthy developmental step in order to leave the home. So instead of preventing risks, help them see the healthy ones. Maybe it's climbing. Some may say, I'd love to go skydiving. Okay, that's a potentially healthy risk. Looking at legal healthy risks and encouraging some of those so that they can experience that. That's very exciting at this age and stage and can be very, very healthy.
The big one is the awareness of their emotions as signals. Sometimes the emotions go in the driver's seat. And kids live in their emotions during this time. Help them see the thought bubbles behind the emotion. So as they experience an emotion and they are having difficulty with that emotion, say, "Hey, let's stop and see what thoughts are creating these feelings. What are you seeing? What are you seeing in your friends? And they say something. [00:58:05] Are you thinking that they're rejecting you, that they're not going to be with you, that you're not enough? And that's where these emotions are coming from."
So hopefully this gives some initial tools for parents. You want to ultimately give kids the sense of what is true freedom, what is beauty? Asking the important questions within a relationship with Christ along the way, where you guys have intentional moments of looking as to what God is doing day to day. What is He inviting us into in the moments that are difficult and in the moments that are great?
Laura Dugger: That's so beneficial to hear all those different stages. If parents are only able to take one practical action step after they conclude this message, what's the one thing you want to encourage them with to get started today?
Daniel Huerta: Well, I would say if they go to our website, focusonfamily.com/seventraits. Take the assessment, see where you're at, and then go from there. [00:59:06] We have plenty of free content on there.
If you feel like you want to get the book, the idea, like you had said, is one to give as many practical, applicable, evidence-based tools for parents. These are ones that I've used in practice for the last 20 years. I only included the ones that really, really worked consistently for families as tools in there. So I want to make sure parents are tooled up.
But if you just want to have a starting point, start with that assessment to figure out where you're at and know that you may score high on all seven traits. But begin to think when stress hits, when all the demands hit, how am I doing with those seven traits? That's where you can have a starting point today.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We will link to that in our show notes today. Is there any other place, Daniel, that you would like to direct people online to find you or get a hold of your book?
Daniel Huerta: Focusonthefamily.com/parenting is a place where we try to give relevant and practical, evidence-based, biblically-based content for parents to be able to utilize on recent topics but then on ongoing skills and tools for parents. [01:00:19] We just want to come alongside of parents there.
I do have a Facebook Live that I do every two weeks. Focus on the family, the Facebook page. We do parenting every other week. And then Dr. Greg and Aaron Smalley do one on marriage every other week in between each other.
If you want to see us there and have questions to ask, we have a question-and-answer time on that Facebook Live as well. So visit us at either one of those two places. At our focusonthefamily.com, you can get the book and plenty of other places, Amazon and other place where you find books.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. Well, you may know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. As my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Daniel Huerta: By the way, Laura, I love that. The Savvy Sauce. That made me smile when I first saw that. [01:01:21] So I would say the savvy sauce is be fully present. This time moves so fast. I gain perspective. Maybe it feels slow initially when the kids are young, but after eight, nine years of age, it seems to go on fast forward. And pretty soon you're kind of going, oh, no, the kids are about to go. You get the grand invitation of helping shape a child's life. So balance out your life in such a way that you give your best and not end it with regrets.
You get to introduce your kids to an incredibly amazing invitation of a life with Jesus that's been put on you. What a great invitation you get as you're fully present with what God's doing in your children's lives and the transformation you get to be a part of as a parent.
Help them learn how to own their own faith and to listen attentively to the Holy Spirit as they become contributors in God's story. I just want to end with this one story of a reset in my life, Laura, if I can.
Laura Dugger: Yes, please do. [01:02:25]
Daniel Huerta: My son was 4 years old. We were across the table from one another and he was playing with a construction set. He had a plastic screwdriver. We were just experiencing a large amount of stress in our lives as parents and just in the home. I wasn't doing well, particularly in that moment. But I thought I was fully present with my son. And he looked at me with these innocent eyes and he said, "Daddy, broken needs fixed." He walked around the table and put the screwdriver on my side and started moving the screwdriver.
And I had been very present with my son and we had played a lot. I felt I was right there engaged with him. But God was speaking to me. Know that God will speak to you through your kids. So gain wisdom from that as He give you feedback on something. Don't see it as a threat. Maybe see it as a message that God is trying to get your attention and you need to hear something. [01:03:31]
Be great listeners as parents because you'll gain a lot of wisdom along the way. There's no expectation that you know everything or have everything in beautiful step, in perfection. Parenting, there is a lot of imperfection there. And the more we stop and listen and approach it with humility and in step with the Holy Spirit, we will see the transforming relationship God has created in that. And it can be so, so powerful. And your kids in that genuineness will really become very connected to you along the way.
Laura Dugger: That is a powerful story to end on. Daniel, I just appreciate your energy and kindness. I really enjoyed hearing your perspective today. Thank you so much for being my guest.
Daniel Huerta: Thank you so much, Laura. It's really been an honor. Appreciate you and thankful for the opportunity. [01:04:29]
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. [01:05:34] We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started? [01:06:35]
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. [01:07:34]
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce
Practical chats for intentional living
A faith-based podcast and resources to help you grow closer to Jesus and others. Expect encouragement, surprises, and hope here. Each episode offers lively interviews with fascinating guests such as therapists, authors, non-profit founders, and business leaders.
They share their best practices and savvy tips we can replicate to make our daily life and relationships more enjoyable!
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