How Can I Know My Children Better?

How can I know my children better? Also, how can I enjoy my kids more?

I think one response answers both of those questions simultaneously! I will share it with you soon. . . 

We see in Scripture, God is repeatedly called our Father. The Bible also reveals ways Jesus is the Bridegroom and we, the Church, are His bride. 

This clues me in that parenting and marriage are both very important to the heart of God! Therefore, it is wise for us to live in a way that honors the importance of both of these earthly relationships in our lives. 

There is one principle we are often taught in marriage to improve our knowing and enjoyment of one another and that is:

One-on-one time.

This investment returns rich dividends and I believe the same is true when applied to our parenting!

One-on-one time with our children is a delightful way to know them better and enjoy them more fully!

Here are a few gifts I have reaped after sowing quality time seeds consistently with our children:

• Laughter. One child asks for giggles nightly and her giggle is contagious. 
• Energy.  As a parent, my energy can easily get zapped from juggling multiple conversations or demands or needs all at the same time. One-on-one time allows me to calmly zero in on this one precious soul in front of me.
• Individual Awareness. If you have multiple children, you already know that a child alone, without their siblings, can act completely different from than when in the group! When I cultivate my individual relationship with each of them, I learn new things about their uniqueness and I can then speak encouragement into their lives about how God uniquely wired them and how I see Him growing them.
• Connection.  Investing for about 10 minutes together daily helps us all feel closer for the remaining 1,430 minutes!
• Attention.  This is a clear time to remove distractions of technology and enjoy the embodied experience of connecting face-to-face or shoulder-to-shoulder with someone I deeply love.
• Trust-building. I’ve noticed our daughters opening up more now that they have a consistent opportunity to be heard without interruptions.
• Insight. When we spend time apart from each other, coming back together provides the opportunity to catch up on important moments missed. One child told me how she shared the Gospel with a friend at school, another felt lonely when others excluded her, and one daughter earned a sweet compliment from a teacher that brought tears to my eyes. I would have missed all of these discoveries without built in one-on-one time. 

Do any of these benefits sound appealing? 

This list is just a sample of the riches that come from this treasured time. And it’s always more rewarding than getting the dishes done faster or getting my email inbox number lower!

It simply takes an intentional decision in the moment. 

When we love God with all our heart and mind and soul and learn His commandments, He then instructs us what to do next. In Deuteronomy 6:7, we read,

“Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (NIV)

Have you already listened to Dr. Rob Rienow expound upon this verse in Visionary Parenting and Grand-Parenting? He highlights these 4 opportunity-packed moments of the day and I appreciate how he motivates us to use this knowledge for the benefit of our own families. 

This verse and teaching was a catalyst for prioritizing one-on-one time with our own children. I see the importance and I want to share 3 ways we have incorporated this rhythm of intentional one-on-one time into our family routine. I will share one today and two next time.

Daily: Bedtime (or nap time or morning time)

Now I’m not legalistic here. I say this is daily, but it doesn’t happen every single day! When we go out on date night or when we have a commitment with other adults, we are not always back for bedtime. 

However, our weeks and our hearts feel more peaceful when this is a regular rhythm. 

I don’t know what your schedule is, so I don’t want you to feel inadequate because you can’t do this 7 nights a week! Can you try it once? Can you ask God to go before you and prepare a way to connect with your kids, working with the schedule you have?

When our children were younger, this used to be much more realistic first thing in the morning or right after naps. If I was pregnant or nursing, I would be extra exhausted in the evenings, so earlier in the day was a sweet time to enjoy being together without the strong lure of my own pillow!

In that season, our girls woke up at different times, so my one-on-one time was spent with them individually as they woke up from a night of rest or their nap. We would rock together on this rocking chair (one of my favorite parenting purchases and a place where we have easily spent over 1,000 hours so far) to sing songs, say prayers, chat, or just snuggle and be quiet.

There is a tenderness during those first few moments of waking and I cherish those memories made rocking together and slowly welcoming them into a state of alertness. 

Now we have two school-aged children and busier mornings, so our routine has shifted to incorporate one-on-one time with each child at bedtime.

We allow our children to give input for how they prefer this routine to play out. As the parents, our only guidelines are that we incorporate some spiritual aspect (praying, worshiping, reading the Bible, etc . . . ) and that bedtimes are not drawn out past 7:30 pm. For the older girls, they are incentivized to stay on schedule with a reward of reading minutes if we conclude in a timely manner. 

This is not meant to shortcut the routine, but it honors another priority for our household: rest and adequate sleep!

The beauty of transforming this into an intentional routine is that it already occurs every day! Our kids have to go to bed at some point, so creatively designing a few minutes for one-on-one connection is doable!

One mother shared her swing thought with me (remember those from May 1st and May 6th?). In moments she is cleaning or preoccupied with a task, but her children are also trying to engage with her, she considers “What is my instinct and what is my value?” Her instinct may be to get the next load of laundry started, but her value is to be available and attentive.

I’m not saying don’t clean your house! I never find it helpful to be told the work can always wait because that pressure builds up if I never prioritize career and home management tasks. 

What I am beseeching you is to intentionally devote some of your schedule to predetermined uses of one-on-one time.

Pre-determining either your attitude or your schedule will accomplish the same goal: you will enjoy some moments with your kids rather than always cramming your day and your life full of endless tasks. 

My recent motto is “fill the days to free the nights.” 

Being prudent with my time during the day allows for increased freedom to enjoy these connection points at night. And the best kind of evening is concluding with one-on-one time with my husband after the kids are in bed! This way, the whole family has special time set aside, and it communicates that our value of relationship-building aligns with our schedule and rhythm of life. 

We used to sing a hymn at the church I grew up in that said, “There is beauty all around when there’s love at home.” I concur! Peace and beauty fill us up when relationships are in order and one-on-one time is a great way to invest in these most important relationships.

Our pastor also said something recently that stuck with me. He mentioned how we can live life in closest proximity with people we end up knowing the least. I certainly don’t want that! 

I don’t think we ever drift toward intimacy or intentionality. We are more likely to drift toward isolation or thoughtlessness. Therefore, these are helpful safeguards to put in place to ensure our values are lived out, rather than allowing our reactive instincts to take over. 

I think Pastor Jonathan’s words were a fair admonition to stay alert to those priceless relationships around us. And the fruit of this practice is very sweet.

If you are reading this, I assume your heart’s intention is to be proactive and wise and to thoughtfully love your family well. 

Check back in next week for two more tips to maximizing one-on-one opportunities with your children, which results in joy and peace for all involved! Or sign up to join our email list so you never miss an article!

Blessings to You,

Laura