Marriage: Foundational Questions to Promote Connection

By our second date, I knew Mark Dugger was the person I would get to someday marry. Six months later, he put a ring on my finger during his epic proposal. We recently celebrated 12 years of marriage, and other than salvation, I consider marriage to be the greatest gift I’ve ever received from God!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17 (NIV)

I had a heart for marriages, even as a teenager. Before becoming a Jesus-follower, I moved to a new city where I didn’t know anyone to study marriage and family therapy.

The day before classes began, I made the most important decision of my life. On August 19th, 2007, in the presence of my parents, I chose to surrender my life to the Lord and receive His free gift of forgiveness and salvation. Christ radically transformed me in the parking garage that day.

Since then, I have deeply desired for people to choose Jesus and, if they are married, to experience ALL the goodness God has to offer in their marital relationship.

For these next few months, I am excited to focus our articles mostly on marriage. These marriage articles will be written specifically for couples who are in a safe, loving, and healthy relationship. The goal is to usher in deeper intimacy, which occurs after a loving, trusting, and safe relationship has been established. (If this is not your story, I hope you seek help. A great place to begin is listening to Biblical Response to Emotionally Destructive Relationships with Leslie Vernick)

Whether you are considering marriage, recently engaged, newlyweds, or seasoned spouses, I know God desires to breathe fresh life into each of us and our marital bonds. He is the only sure foundation upon which to build our lives and our marriages. (See Matthew 7:24-27.)

And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12 KJV

When it comes to building on Christ as our foundation for marriage, it is helpful to, individually and as a couple, prayerfully reflect and consider responses to these questions:

What is the purpose of marriage?
What are a few words or phrases to describe what I hope our marriage will be like?
What unique vision does God have for our specific marriage?
How is God calling us to share the good He’s provided us in our marriage for the betterment of others?
What Scripture especially energizes or inspires us in our marital relationship?

These are helpful questions to get into our head, but there is another type of question that gets into our heart.

At Richmont Graduate University, I remember learning the importance of “making the covert overt.” In communication and relationships, it is helpful to reveal our secret or unspoken expectations in hopes of making our thoughts and motives obvious and clear to the other person. We feel more fully loved when we are truly known.

I find open-ended questions to be the best way to do this. Rather than posing a question that requires a yes, no, or one-word response, open-ended questions generate more conversation by requiring more thoughtful responses.

The hope is to draw one another out with non-judgmental curiosity.

As a couple, it is beneficial to first get on the same page and understand these questions are not for the purpose of interrogation; rather, these questions are one way to understand each other better and enjoy deeper intimacy with one another through this process of discovery.

With your spouse or significant other, I hope you can find some time this week to discuss these questions, in hopes of making your covert thoughts overt and experience the joy of being “naked and unashamed” in your thoughts, before each other. This is a wise way to continually build upon your sturdy marital foundation.

Five Questions to Make the Covert Overt

*Remember: tone matters! We are approaching these questions with a kind, curious, and non-judgmental stance.

What are your expectations for me as your spouse? (If that is too broad, try getting more specific by adding “as it relates to ____” and fill in the blank with topics such as household responsibilities, financial management, sex, giving you leisure time, raising children, navigating holidays with family, forgiving you after an argument, prioritizing my relationship with you, etc . . .) Remember, we all have expectations and it requires patient listening and a bit of processing to understand what expectations we both actually hold.
How do you recognize and manage stress in your life? (A supportive follow-up question could be: What is the best way I can support or help you in this process? Also, is there anything you would appreciate I avoid doing, which may accidentally make it worse?)
What habits or traditions were meaningful to you from your family of origin? (Again, if this is too broad, follow it up with “as it relates to ____” and fill in the blank with topics such as: for Christmas, Easter, other holidays, traveling, conflict resolution, family dinners, serving at church, learning, etc . . .) This can naturally lead to additional questions, such as “How would you like to incorporate these traditions into our relationship or within our family?” or “Why do you suppose this was especially meaningful to you?”
What is one area of your life where you experience fear or insecurity? A few suggestions to follow up to their response is to request, “will you tell me more?” or “can you elaborate on that?” or “I would love to more fully understand what that is like for you. Can you expound?” or “Is there anything else you would like to share?”
What is your favorite part about our relationship that you want to build on for the next 50 years? You could put your own spin on this question to word it more like this: “What adventures do you anticipate us sharing together?” or “What are you most looking forward to in marriage?” “Where does your mind wander when you think about the two of us?” “What do you appreciate or love most about our relationship?” (It’s always nice to end on a positive note when we are dreaming together!)

I pray these questions spark joy and understanding and excitement and lightheartedness as you connect with the one you love!

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If you enjoy learning about more ways to connect at a deeper level in marriage, make sure you listen to these episodes:

Being Intentional with Marriage, Parenting, Rest, Personal Development, and Leadership

Gender Differences and Common Conflict in Relationships

Romantic Love in Marriage

5 Love Languages

Communication and Healthy Conflict Resolution

A God-Honoring Relationship Between a Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law

Fostering a Fun, Healthy Sex Life with your Spouse

Align Your Finances with Your Values

Managing Family, Career, and Health