In ninth grade, I remember listing a full page of topics to research for my term paper. This exercise revealed I was interested in psychology as most of my topics were linked to human relations. I landed on birth order, which began a journey of delighting in the study of mind, behavior, and interpersonal relationships.
Learning new concepts brings me such a zest for life and renewed energy. I love attending conferences and one in particular stands out as it relates to gender differences.
After a recent move for my husband’s career, my husband and I were new to town. We heard about a marriage conference at a local church and we signed up to attend. Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant were the teachers and they described an analogy I had never heard before, but it was about to unlock insight into the inner workings of my husband.
Ang started out by sharing how the female brain can be thought of as a studio apartment. Everything is accessible. There is no division between the kitchen and the bedroom, the living room and the entryway. In the same way, for some women, all our experiences and thoughts are interconnected. For Ang, when something is not going well in her marriage, the feelings and preoccupations spill over into her work or her other relationships and when she is processing the day, she doesn’t typically share everything in a linear fashion. She is perfectly comfortable jumping around between subjects because it is all interconnected in her mind.
Dr. Ted then shed light on the male brain. He likened it to a house that does not have an open-floor concept. The dining room is separate from the office, and the bedroom is separate from the living room. In the same way, when he is at work, he is able to compartmentalize his thoughts and focus only on the task in front of him. His thoughts about hobbies or family do not come up when he is in work mode. Likewise, if he is in the garage fixing something, he isn’t thinking about work because it is not interconnected in his mind. It is separate.
There is one other part of the home that he passes through frequently, but his wife does not relate to:
The hallway.
In the hallway, Dr. Ted described how he transitions from one subject to another. There has to be a connection and it takes a moment to switch gears mentally to connect the topics. In his home, he has to enter the hallway to safely transition from the dining room to the bedroom. In life, he has to have a moment to transition from work mode to being present at home. And, this is the best part . . .
In the hallway, he thinks about NOTHING.
When I first heard this, I instantly thought “wait, what???????” I leaned over to my husband and asked, “Do you relate to this?” I felt called out as Dr. Ted noticed many wives doing the same thing at that same moment and he said, “This is the point of the conference when wives turn to their husband and ask if this is different for him because she cannot imagine thinking about nothing!”
As he continued to surprise me, Dr. Ted went on to say “I love the hallway! Sometimes, I just hang out there!” Again, whaaaaaat? My husband confirmed this puzzling discovery: when he is driving or mowing or doing a mindless task, he is often in the hallway and thinking about nothing. He considers it to be downtime and he finds it to be refreshing to spend time thinking about nothing.
Maybe some women can relate to that, but I was floored. That has never been my experience. I don’t remember a time EVER when my mind was thinking nothing.
I do remember previously asking my husband what he was thinking about and questioning his sincerity when he responded with “nothing.” Dr. Ted said that is normal too, and when husbands feel pressured to come up with something because their wives aren’t satisfied with their answer, it can cause conflict. Oftentimes the husband pauses to try and come up with any thought to share, but the wife reads that pause as a lie or a cover up. Conflict ensues if she does not take him at face value and trust that he is truly thinking nothing.
Sometimes, the hallway sounds like a pretty wonderful place! But I am thankful God gave me a brain that connects everything because I see how it serves me well in motherhood. I can multitask a little more naturally than my husband, which is necessary with four young, talkative, and energetic daughters. On the other hand, I appreciate his compartmentalization when there is a task to do at home that looks boring or dreadful to me, but he is able to give his full attention to the project and work at it until completion.
When we both show up in our strengths, everything runs more smoothly! Even better, when we both appreciate and even celebrate one another’s strengths instead of judging them, we both win!
Dr. Ted and Ang concluded with a word of encouragement for each spouse. (Disclaimer: anytime there are stereotypes, it can cause people to get upset. You may disagree because these examples do not apply to 100% of people. That is ok! I just share this in case it brings you clarity and understanding in your relationship. And I still think this is beneficial if it does not describe you or your spouse because it can still promote curious conversation and an opportunity to understand each other better.)
Encouragement for wives: Assume the best of your husband. If he says he is thinking about nothing, you don’t need to press it. He is thinking about nothing! You can even help him transition between conversation topics more smoothly when you utilize the hallway! You can offer transitional sentences, such as “I know we are talking about my friend, but stay with me here. I will close the loop, but it reminds me of this happening at work . . .” and then truly close the loop whenever possible so he can track with your thought process.
Encouragement for husbands: Find a way to get your wife in every compartment. Have her picture on your desk at work, set a reminder on your phone to check in with her throughout the day, or keep a note of hers where you can see it in your vehicle. These reminders can help you bring her into whatever mode you are currently in and it increases your thoughtfulness toward her because you will naturally be thinking of her more when you have reminders of her!
The footnotes of 1 Corinthians 13:1 in the Amplified Version elaborate that love is “a profound thoughtfulness and unselfish concern for other believers regardless of their circumstances or station in life.”
That’s great news! We can go first and grow in unselfish concern and profound thoughtfulness for our spouse when we ask Jesus for help! God is the source of Love, so He is the best place to start.
“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 (NIV)
As Mark and I learn more about gender differences, it has led us to a lot of laughter as we continue to be surprised. It also leads to appreciation and celebration of differences because it is God’s holy design and we truly work better together.
So if you are brave, ask your spouse tonight if they relate more to the studio apartment or closed-house concept in their mind. Try not to judge their response, but listen with open-mindedness and even ask “how can we use this to our advantage as a couple?” I can’t wait to hear what you come up with!
And a helpful filter to keep in mind is this question: What is the best light I can see this in? Or what is the best case scenario of viewing the world so differently than my spouse? I bet each couple will come up with their own creative answer!
If you want to learn more about gender differences in marriage, don’t miss these episodes:
Understanding Gender Differences in Marriage with Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant
Gender Differences and Common Conflict in Relationships with Certified Sex Therapist, Vickie George
Understanding Men and Women Better with Shaunti Feldhahn
Romantic Love in Marriage with Dr. Willard Harvey
Understanding and Delighting in Our Differences with Bill & Pam Farrel
Building Lasting Relationships with Clarence and Brenda Shuler
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Best,
Laura
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