How do you grow closer to your spouse in marriage?
In our marriage, growing closer includes staying current. For us, that means aiming to check in each day by chatting about the current happenings and making sure we are giving each other our full attention.
Many nights, it seems this is at 9 pm after the kids are in bed, the house is re-set, and we are starting to wind down from the activity of the day. We are able to exhale once everything is complete, turn our eyes and attention to each other and simply start with, “Hi!” Even though we were in the same space for the past few hours, we were far more distracted with the flurry of activity from cleaning up after dinner, connecting with our kids, responding to school emails, and completing any other distracting tasks. But the whole time we knew our reward of connection is coming soon!
What about you? What’s your rhythm for connection and growing closer?
To stay proactive at growing closer, I have found four helpful habits: I like to listen to podcasts, learn from other couples who have been married longer than us, read the Bible while asking God “How I can apply this to my life?”, and connect with Mark through conversation and questions.
If you want to proactively grow closer to your spouse, I would love to share a few specific ways that have helped me delight in my marriage with Mark in this season.
First, I consider many previous guests to be mentors of mine. If you feel the same way, and want to learn from marriage mentors through podcast episodes, I would like to recommend Communication and Healthy Conflict Resolution with Kelley Gray or Beneficial Rhythms in Marriage with Chris and Jenni Graebe.
As for the Bible, Ecclesiastes is not the book we think of first when it comes to marriage advice, but there is a charge to enjoy our spouse in verse 9 of chapter 9.
Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given you under the sun—all the days of vanity and futility. For this is your reward in life and in your work in which you have labored under the sun.
This verse certainly doesn’t describe the entire message God wants to communicate about marriage, but it is a helpful reminder that it is wise and good to joyfully live together! Even the nudge to view marriage as one reward in life is helpful in influencing our attitude.
However, if connection feels far off for you, a previous guest, Dr. Michael Sytsma, recommends applying Revelation 2:4-5 (NIV) to your marriage:
“Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.”
What did you do at first? Did you date and talk and encourage and smile at each other? How about trying that again as your starting point? I write more about this in Practical Ways to Rekindle Love in Marriage.
Another previous guest I learned from is Dr. Clarence Shuler. He recommends asking your spouse, “Am I a pleasure to be married to?” I love this question and I wouldn’t have come up with it on my own. It makes me want to share a few questions you may not have considered asking your spouse.
Join our email list before October 5th, 2022 to receive a downloadable full of questions Mark and I have asked each other on previous date nights. I hope you connect a little more through answering a few of these together!
Much Love,
Laura