Exactly two years ago today, my friend, Doug, moved on to his heavenly home. Dr. Douglas Rosenau was notorious for having every hair perfectly in place and sporting a smart bowtie with every outfit. It became his signature look! More importantly, Doug was a gentle soul who was quick to laugh and eager to share his knowledge by teaching God’s good gift of sex to his students, clients, or readers of his various books.
I first met Dr. Doug at Richmont Graduate University when my friend, Laura Gordon, and I were paired with him as our clinical supervisor. We would meet at Waffle House on Cumberland Drive in Atlanta, GA to eat eggs and tomatoes and chat about God’s design of sex. He was a father figure to many and he is greatly missed. His legacy lives on because he spent his life seeking to glorify God by teaching the church to handle sex better, with integrity and accuracy in its teaching.
The first time he was my guest on episode 5, we discussed Ways to Deepen Your Intimacy in Marriage. We met at his office and shared many laughs as he told stories and delivered meaningful tidbits about sex.
My favorite story was when he shared an example of how to be playful. One wife saw her husband outside mowing and she stood at their picture window where nobody could see her, other than her husband, and she flashed him!
He ran right over a flower bed 🙂
Listening to Dr. Doug is a sure way to share some laughs. He believed it was helpful for couples to create language around this topic. Some find it helpful to think of sex on a continuum with nurturing sex at one end, moving to connecting sex, and then passionate sex on the other end. Rather than only pursuing passionate sex as the goal, Dr. Doug teaches how each of these types of sex are good and healthy in a marriage!
Nurturing sex is a willing gift we offer our spouse when we desire to serve and care for one another, even if our current circumstances prevent us from having more time to passionately connect. It is realistic and beneficial to the marriage. For instance, in a season with young children, the couple may not consistently have an hour or more to set aside uninterrupted time for sexual intimacy, but they still want to connect and nurture one another. Nurturing sex is a healthy solution, even if they gift an orgasm to just one of the spouses that night. We don’t want our marriage to be a continual diet of nurturing sex, but it does have its place when the spouses choose to willingly nurture one another.
As the continuum progresses past nurturing sex, connecting sex comes next. This is where the couple has more meaningful sex, which usually requires a bit more time. Adding this to our regular rhythm of intimate connecting keeps us intimately bonded to each other.
Then there is passionate lovemaking, which is less frequent, but more memorable. Sometimes passionate sex is not the expectation, but a pleasant surprise. Women’s bodies are generally more unpredictable, so she may be engaging in nurturing sex with her husband when all of a sudden it starts moving in the direction of passionate sex. This is not uncommon because for many women, desire comes after activity. Have you ever had this experience in your marriage? After enough time, relaxation, and stimulation, the wife’s desire kicks in and the couple indulges in passionate sex.
I hope you have a lifelong marriage enjoying each of these types of sexual connection with your spouse! Regardless of the category on the continuum, God baked mutuality into all of lovemaking. Dr. Doug explained this to a client once by asking, “Do you know what the biggest turn on to a husband is? The biggest turn on to a husband is a turned on wife!”
So I hope you both find time to engage, participate, and deepen your bond as you come together sexually and cement yourselves to one another, Amen.
Bonus Ideas:
Read one of Dr. Doug’s books aloud to each other to get comfortable using this language out loud. He is most famously known for A Celebration of Sex. Podcasts also work great, because you can pause to discuss your own experience or ask each other questions in real time. Here are ten episodes to get started:
Fostering a Fun, Healthy Sex Life with your Spouse with Dr. Jennifer Konzen
Easy Changes to Enhance Your Sexual Intimacy in Marriage with Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner
Passion Pursuit with Dr. Juli Slattery
Sex in Marriage and Its Positive Effects with Francie Winslow, Part 1 and Part 2
Making Love in Marriage with Debra Fileta
Mutually Pleasing Sex in Marriage with Gary Thomas
Sex Series: Enhancing Female Pleasure and Enjoyment of Sex: An Interview with Dr. Jennifer Degler
Sex Series: Orgasmic Potential, Pleasure, and Friendship: An Interview with Bonny Burns
And remember: even when the conversation is awkward, it’s going to be awesome because some of the chemicals released during laughter are the same ones released during orgasm . . . so hopefully this process feels good in a variety of ways! We can take our cues in conversation from a couple in the Bible who models intimate conversation well:
Song of Solomon 1:2 (KJV) “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.”
Happy connecting to you!
Sincerely,
Laura