Special Patreon Release: Story of Perseverance with Jenny Boyett
Psalm 46:1 NIV “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."
**Transcription Below**
Jenny Boyett is a business professional with over 25 years of strategic thinking, relationship building, leadership development, business development, and communication experience ranging from a local recruiting business to a $100M non-profit. She has a demonstrated ability to lead a team with a focus on professional development, event planning and public speaking. She is energized by relationships—a visionary networker who sees the bigger picture and can motivate an individual and/or a team to accomplish goals and be the best version of themselves.
She is a Master Working Genius Facilitator, a Certified Temperament Coach, and sought after public speaker. A graduate of Georgia Southern University, a huge proponent of counseling, and has recently found a passion for pickleball.
Other Savvy Sauce Podcast Episodes Mentioned:
118 Parenting All the Temperaments with Jenny Boyett
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: If this is your first time here, welcome. You may be wondering what it means to have a special Patreon release, so here's the scoop. Patreon was a platform we used to generate financial support for The Savvy Sauce, and we expressed our thanks to those paying patrons by giving them a bonus episode every month.
But in 2024, we transitioned away from Patreon when we became a non-profit called The Savvy Sauce Charities. The podcast is part of this non-profit, which exists to resource loved ones to inspire growth and intimacy with God and others. So people used to pay to support us through Patreon, but now they can just donate directly to our non-profit.
We spend thousands of dollars each year to record and produce these episodes, and we do pray that they're beneficial and that God sees fit to use them to be transformational in your life. [00:01:28]
If that is the case, if you have ever benefited from an episode of The Savvy Sauce, would you consider showing your gratitude through your financial generosity? Any amount is greatly appreciated. In fact, if every listener gave only $1 per month, it would completely offset our costs.
We have all the details on our website, thesavvysauce.com, but feel free to also reach out to our team anytime if you want to partner together. Our email address is info@thesavvysauce.com.
If you're a parent like me, and oftentimes, regardless of our kid's age and phase of life, we are looking for extra energy, and so I want to recommend Magic Mind. It's the world's first performance shot. You can learn more at magicmind.com/thesavvysauce and get up to 56% off your subscription or save 20% off your one-time purchase when you use the code SavvySauce20 at checkout. [00:02:33]
And now I'm pleased to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons.
My guest is trainer, speaker, and consultant Jenny Boyette. Here's our chat.
Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Jenny.
Jenny Boyett: Thank you. It's good to be back.
Laura Dugger: Well, I know that we're all excited to get to know you better, and we didn't cover all of this during our previous chat together. So will you just tell us where you're from and how you came to know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior?
Jenny Boyett: Sure. Well, I'm kind of from all over. My parents got divorced when I was young and my mom remarried, and he was a professional soccer player when it was big back in the 70s and 80s. So we moved around a lot.
But I grew up pretty much in between Florida and Georgia. We went to a lot of different churches, and I always went to church camps and heard about Jesus. Definitely wanted to follow Him and accept Him. [00:03:33]
I would say I would have considered myself a Christian, but it wasn't until college that I started to understand what it was like to have a personal relationship with Jesus. He felt kind of far away until then and was able to get into a great ministry that I felt like really developed my faith and helped me understand what it looked like to walk daily with Jesus.
So I would say I was saved in middle school, but that it wasn't until probably my late teens, early 20s that I understood what it truly meant to be walking side by side with Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior.
Laura Dugger: Then from that point forward, where did you go for college and what did you envision life to be like? Did you think you would get married someday?
Jenny Boyett: Oh, good question. I went to Georgia Southern University down in Statesboro, which was a pretty small town for me. I was in Atlanta at the time and my brother and sister... Well, my older brother was at Georgia, so I didn't want to go there. [00:04:32] So I went to Georgia Southern.
I just wanted to have the typical college experience. I went through Rush and was a sorority girl. I just figured I would go to college, I would meet my husband in college and I would get married after college. And then we would move back to Atlanta and have the white picket fence with the 2.5 kids and the dog and life would be glorious. So that was my vision. But I didn't have a lot of vision. Once the kids were born and the husband went to work, I didn't really see much past having the kids and having the house.
Laura Dugger: So how did you come to meet your husband?
Jenny Boyett: Well, we met at school at Southern at a fraternity sorority party and just kind of started dating for about three and a half years. We did have a breakup in between that time and I was devastated. I think I moved around so much as a kid that when I met him, he was from a small town and his whole family lived there. And I just figured I would move there with him and whatever he wanted to do, I could just be the great fellowship hall lady at the Baptist church and call it a day. [00:05:40]
So that's really what I was thinking up until when we broke up. We were looking at rings and trying to decide what our future held and then it kind of hit me out of nowhere. He broke up with me. From that moment, I didn't quite know what my life envisioned. I was pretty much just banking on that life.
And so I think that was really one of the first times that I was on my knees, weeping, crying out to the Lord to kind of show me a path. So we were broken up for about six months or so and then he decided he wanted to try and get back together. So he did. He moved to Atlanta to pursue me and decided he wasn't going to live in the small town anymore and we were going to get married and do all of this in the big city of Atlanta. So that's what we did.
Laura Dugger: Then fast forward, so you're married, and then your first time becoming a mom. Was that at all what you expected?
Jenny Boyett: No. I mean, I think I kind of had expected you get married, you're married for three to five years, you try to have kids, and you just get pregnant. [00:06:46] That's what happens, right? Well, that's not what had happened for us.
We struggled with fertility. We weren't getting pregnant and we didn't quite know what was wrong. So we ended up in a fertility clinic, and we're just getting our options together and trying to find out, do we adopt, do we go through some fertility treatments? How is this going to go?
We definitely prayed about it and had met with a lot of different people and we decided we were going to attempt in vitro fertilization for the first time and just see. So we had generous parents and saved some of our own money. We went through the process, and we got pregnant.
Some people go through the fertility process, and I really wanted like my whole family in the freezer is what they call it. But I didn't get that. We ended up with three eggs, and then only two of them were viable. So they implanted those two eggs, and I got pregnant. And I got pregnant with triplets. [00:07:45]
One of those eggs split, so I have an identical set of girls and then a fraternal girl. And so nothing about being pregnant, nothing about bringing home a newborn, nothing went as I had expected. It was very dangerous and risky. There was hospital visits and hospital stays and just a lot of help needed after the girls came home. It was very chaotic, for sure.
I never got to be the cute little wife, new mom pulling into Target, taking their one little baby in and everybody oohing and aahing over the baby. We were kind of like a show everywhere we went. I certainly didn't run into Target for a quick errand or anything. That wasn't really possible with triplet newborns.
Laura Dugger: I can't even imagine that. Even from our previous time together, you shared that you're a yellow temperament. And so I'm just wondering when it's a high-risk pregnancy and then even welcoming home these three little girls, was that hard to not get to spend as much time with your friends and with adult people? [00:08:52] Or what was that season like for you?
Jenny Boyett: Yeah, it was. I mean, I think God had given me the yellow temperament in order to be able to just roll with the punches and go with the flow and see the best in the situation. But it was difficult. I was seeing a counselor during that time as well.
I remember the counselor saying, "I know you're a new mom and you're happy and there's postpartum going on, but you do need to give yourself a room to mourn." And it's to mourn the fact that, yes, you're happy to be a mom and you're grateful that you got pregnant. So many people go through infertility and then never are able to conceive. But it didn't go the way that you had hoped and wanted. And it was risky. So it's okay to give yourself room to mourn the way that this went."
I think that was really helpful advice because I did have to give myself that space because it wasn't what I had wanted it to be. There were some parts that were better and there were some parts that were much, much harder. [00:09:53]
I was lucky enough that I had an incredible community around me and they brought meals for months. I would plan to connect with my friends through them dropping off meals. I would get out, you know, at least once or twice a week to try to just get away. I was just intentional with that time because I didn't need as much time alone, but I needed to be smart with where I was going to spend that time when I had it away from the kids.
Laura Dugger: Did you work while you were raising your little ones?
Jenny Boyett: Yeah. I work at North Point Community Church and I was able to take an extended maternity leave, but then I did go back to work basically full-time. It was 30 hours a week. We have an incredible weekday program there, so the girls could go with me there, but that was definitely tricky.
My husband traveled a lot and I would be by myself and be taking them into school and navigating all of their first year and a half of life. [00:10:55] Pretty much working mom, husband who travels before I got any real help in the house to help navigate that.
Laura Dugger: Wow. I can see where that is a ton added to your plate. I guess I kind of want to blend these conversations. So even referring back with your temperament, do you see with moms of any of the temperaments, are there certain ones that are more likely to work while raising children?
Jenny Boyett: Honestly, it's been a mixture. I mean, I haven't ever thought about it to pinpoint specifically, but when I think of my friends that are working, I honestly know all the different temperaments that work. I think in how they work and how they manage their household looks differently, but I don't necessarily think the decision to work or not work is based on temperament alone. I think there's a lot of factors that come into it.
Because I have as many different temperaments of friends that stay home as I do that are working. But the difference that I have noticed in them is how they manage it and who gets more overwhelmed or who's more structured. [00:12:00] I think that changes and the flow of that is based on the temperament.
Laura Dugger: Well, I want to take a moment though just to pick your brain with your expertise. So could you go through each of those temperaments as moms and just tell us what you've noted for those working moms? How do they tend to manage that balance?
Jenny Boyett: Yeah. I would say for myself, I'm a yellow mom and it was really just not being as scheduled and not being maybe as hard on myself at times and just trying to make things more fun. There was a lot of last-minute, Oh, I didn't get to see them today, so let's go to the park," or there's like, let's just grab Chick-fil-A for dinner instead of me cooking."
So as a yellow, I definitely felt like I was more spontaneous as a young mom and brought in as much fun as I could. Whereas my red moms, I definitely feel like were more planned and had a little bit more control of their household. [00:12:59]
One of my very good friends is a red mom and I mean, the week is pretty much planned out. She didn't forget a whole lot of activities and she would strategically sign up to volunteer in the class when it worked with her work schedule, or she honestly didn't feel bad if she couldn't be in the class.
Whereas I, as a yellow, was kind of stretching myself thin to maybe be everywhere at every time and would forget some of those times. My good friend, she would really have the kids work around what her work schedule was.
My blue friends, they are just very structured, so very organized. But I saw them more so working their work schedule around what the kids would benefit from. So if they needed to, you know, leave early a couple of days a week based on the kids, they would navigate that so that they could be there to be the one to pick up the kids and that kind of stuff.
Whereas my red friends more so delegated some of those responsibilities to a neighbor or to a husband or to a friend. [00:14:04] Not that they weren't there for their kids because they totally were, but were more likely to maybe put work in front of some of the tasks that somebody else could do as far as working mom stuff.
But my blue friends are very organized. I feel like they, you know, plan out their lunches ahead of time and make sure they have everything. They would plan their meals out. Whereas me, I'd be going to cook a meal as a yellow and be like, Oh my gosh, I don't have cream of chicken soup. What can I cook now? Whereas that just never happened to my blue friends because they had it really planned out accordingly.
And then my green friends, I'm thinking of one mom in particular, you know, interesting enough, I feel like my green friend that I'm thinking of probably beat herself up the most in a way because I think that she did have that part people, part task kind of thing going on. And I think that it was just a really hard balance to do all that she wanted to do and found herself having to cheat something all the time. [00:15:05]
I think she's the one that always felt like she was never doing a good job. She's such a great mom and always was engaged with the people of her house and loving them and supporting them and always being there for them. But definitely took on probably more of their responsibility at times when they would forget their lunch at school, let's say.
The yellow wouldn't even realize it or get the message that the little girl didn't have their lunch at school. My red friend would get the message and say, "Tough luck. She'll never forget her lunch again." My blue friend wouldn't let the child get out of the car without the lunch because she knew that it was sitting in the seat. My green friend was the one that was quickly making the lunch and running it up to the school just to make sure the little girl had something to eat.
So that kind of narrows it down a little bit of what my perspective has been of some of my different friends with the different temperaments.
Laura Dugger: I just want to pause real quick because I had given you a teaser earlier about Magic Mind, and I just wanted to take a moment to tell you more about it. [00:16:03] I first heard about Magic Mind from a health-conscious mother of seven, how it helped her and her husband with sustained energy and focus. She kept talking about the natural ingredients that resulted with no crash.
I personally never drink energy drinks and I'm prone to insomnia so I have to be careful with anything that boosts energy. But I'm always looking to intake healthier and more nutritious options. So when I learned more about the ingredients list of Magic Mind, I was willing to give it a try.
I first tried Magic Mind the day our family was traveling and I was amazed that it did what it said it would do. I experienced focus and clarity and an energy boost, but I also didn't have a crash later and I still slept well that night. I was so excited that I kept trying it each day that we were traveling and continued with the amazing results. [00:17:08]
So whenever I learn about something new that's working great, I love to share it with you. So I'd highly recommend you give Magic Mind a try. Visit magicmind.com/TheSavvySauce, and then you can get up to 56% off your subscription or save 20% off of your one-time purchase when you use the code SavvySauce20 at checkout. I can't wait for you to try this too, so let me know about your amazing experience as well.
For you personally then, how did you find this vocation that was so life-giving to you?
Jenny Boyett: Well, I was in the business world for many years and I was kind of moving up the corporate ladder and my husband was moving up the corporate ladder and we were like, Okay, something's got to give. We knew we wanted to have kids. We went to North Point and he said, "Why don't you just put your resume in and just see?" And I'm like, "What would I do? I never thought I would be working at a church." [00:18:07]
I did and there was this director of assimilation, which was helping married couples get connected into community. And I love connecting people and I think with moving around so much. I always really wanted to help people find their people. And so it was a really natural fit.
I took the job, which then helped us even move towards having a family because I wasn't going to be traveling and was going to be at home. It worked out really well. It was just a path that God led me to. And it was when I was working there for about a year, we realized that, Oh, no, we're not getting pregnant. We've got some fertility issues."
And there wasn't a better place on the planet to be working to have resources and others that had navigated adoption and fertility. And so I felt like I had a plethora of great counsel right there at my workplace.
Laura Dugger: Yes. I feel like you just can't say enough good about North Point Ministries. One of their satellite churches is actually when I became a believer, that was the first place that I became a church member and experienced growth there. [00:19:13] So love North Point.
Jenny Boyett: Awesome. Yes. It's been such a blessing to me personally and professionally.
Laura Dugger: Well, and then going back to your marital relationship, at what point did you start to notice some red flags?
Jenny Boyett: Well, hindsight's always 2020, right? So there were red flags prior to even getting married. And I think that's something that God and I had to navigate because He had showed me signs and I think it absolutely has something to play with my temperament of being yellow, always assuming the best in people and choosing to fill in the gap with the best all the time, even if there's a reason why not to.
So I definitely think that played into my temperament as well as wanting to just move forward, you know, not wanting to see something and just thinking, "Okay, if I don't look there, I won't see it."
I would say now in hindsight, they were there all along. But for me, I would say it was probably maybe our second or third year of marriage when he was traveling a ton and I just started to feel more alone in the marriage. [00:20:19] He wasn't as emotionally connected and work was absolutely taking a priority in his life. And my role was kind of, you know, taking a step back. It started feeling like you've often heard people say, we were roommates living in a house together versus life partners doing life together.
Laura Dugger: And when you were in the midst of this, so thinking of you as a yellow, probably just reframing and assuming the best, how did you handle that growing distance? Was that something that you brought up to communicate with him? Or did you keep that to yourself?
Jenny Boyett: Yeah, I did bring it up quite a bit. And then we just filled in the gaps when we were together, cramming in as much fun in life as we could. It was almost more so when he was managing it when we were together, he started to be more present. But then when he was away is when it started to... I would get down.
And so I just kind of chalked it up to, you know, I don't like to be alone at my house and so it's probably a me problem. [00:21:25] And just started to kind of process that internally versus externally. I definitely had checks in my spirit for sure before we got married. And then I would say, yeah, by that third or fourth year of marriage, I definitely was having checks in my spirit.
Laura Dugger: So how did everything unfold from that point forward?
Jenny Boyett: You know, we got really plugged into our church. Everything on the outside looked like it was okay and I just felt a gap in our emotional connection. I felt like as he was talking about it, he definitely made it feel like it was a "me" problem. That I was needy or that I had expectations that were bigger than what he could provide for me. So I definitely took that on as that this was a "me" problem.
It wasn't until, gosh, I would say the girls were born and then chaos starts unfolding just with life and you're surviving, not necessarily thriving, that I started noticing there was quite a bit of depression in him. [00:22:29] He was withdrawn. Much more withdrawn than he had been. I really felt like I was raising... I was doing everything. I was working full-time and I was raising the girls by myself. And I just felt alone a lot of the time.
We definitely had talks along the way and I would bring it up, and again, it was reflected to me that this was a me issue. I was the only one that was experiencing this. But I would say it was definitely in about 2006 and 2007 when I noticed he started drinking more and was just continuing to be gone more and more and more. He was traveling maybe 200 days out of the year and I just was very, very alone.
We were in a small group and kind of with a mentor and one of the mentors verbalized, "Hey, is everything okay? I'm seeing some signs." I think that was a relief to me because then I could finally talk to someone about it and say, "Hey, is this odd?" [00:23:29] I didn't really know what was normal and what wasn't normal in a sense of an emotional connection with your spouse. And so him kind of bringing it up and asking me about the drinking and asking me about the travel really allowed me to begin to extrovert some of those concerns that I had.
Laura Dugger: So that check in the spirit then that you're starting to process and verbalize with the mentor couple, were any of those questions in your mind confirmed?
Jenny Boyett: Absolutely. Yes. I think that's what really opened the door for some more authentic communication between the four of us and having conversations, kind of digging into some things, and asking more questions.
At that point there was some behavior that would come up that just seemed very risky or off the wall that was addressed more often. So we were tracking with them. I felt like everything was getting out on the table. So I felt a ton of relief that we were going to be headed in the right direction. [00:24:33]
At that point, my husband had said he was an alcoholic, so he had admitted he was an alcoholic. And so I felt actual relief during that meeting because I thought, "Okay, we know the problem. I'm not crazy. This is what's going on. And okay, we can get help for this. He can get help for this."
So he got a counselor, started, you know, attending AA meetings, got hooked up with a sponsor. So I was like, "Okay, we got that under control. Now let's move on." But it was very short-lived until there was like another hiccup that kind of came to light that it was like, Oh, oh, this isn't all that it is. We need to figure out something more.
What that was, was some excessive spending. So I found that our entire home equity line had been maxed out without my knowledge, and I was floored. Then we were meeting with this mentor couple then and got into a MoneyWise program. [00:25:31] And it was like, How did this happen?
I think what now I know is that there was an addiction swap. There was refraining from drinking, but it then had switched to spending, excessive spending. And it was on everything that you could imagine. I don't pay attention to like rims on cars and that kind of stuff. I mean, we're talking about watches that are $10,000 to new rims to new clothes.
I would obviously notice some of the clothes, but was then told, "Oh, that's not new," or "I've had that," or "No, you're crazy," or, "Oh, a client bought that for me" or something like that.
Again, I think if you want to be deceived, it's probably easy to be deceived, but it's also to keep in mind that if someone wants to deceive you, they will deceive you. You know, they get very good at telling you in your face, in your eyes things that they are desperate for you to believe are true.
I think it was the perfect storm. My yellow temperament that wanted to believe and that somebody that was a really good liar kind of came together and it was the perfect storm. [00:26:39]
Laura Dugger: Wow. Just going back, when you were saying some of that risky behavior, just some of those red flags, did that look like drinking while driving or things like that?
Jenny Boyett: Well, at that point he had given up drinking. So it was more like getting a tattoo or planning a last-minute trip for us somewhere really expensive. I mean, I definitely think the tattoo was a really risky one, but I didn't even know about. Just showed up as it's a "surprise!". Just very impulsive behavior. Like a lot of also last-minute business trips would come up. "Oh, I got to leave tomorrow morning." It's like, "What? I didn't know about that."
It just felt like definitely more spontaneous impulsivity and some risky behaviors coming in there. Not so much drinking and driving, although that very well could have been happening, but I didn't know that at that point. [00:27:38]
Laura Dugger: Okay. So you're seeing this change in the person unfolding right in front of you, more impulsive behavior. And at this time, so you're working full-time, you've got triplet daughters. Did you also have your fourth daughter?
Jenny Boyett: Well, we did. So in 2009, we had my fourth daughter and that's really when a lot of the risky behavior started coming up. The tattoo would happen. So, yes, it was definitely as things got more chaotic in our house, his behavior became a little bit more withdrawn and more self-focused, I would say, on the things that he needed to do.
Like I remember when I was literally eight and a half months pregnant, he sprung on me a last-minute two-week trip to China that he had. And I was in tears. Like, "Are you kidding me? You can't leave. I can't even bend over." It's just one of those things that I'm like, "Okay, but he's got to work." But that was very impulsive. It was nothing was going to stop that trip. Even my tears weren't going to stop that trip. [00:28:39]
Laura Dugger: That's such a hard place to be when you feel like you have no influence over your spouse and you see them making these poor decisions right in front of you and not caring for you and the children at that time when you really needed it.
Jenny Boyett: It was really hard. It really was. At that point, I also knew he was suffering with depression. And so trying to be very sensitive to what his needs were and knowing... As a yellow, I remember we were talking one day and I said, "Well, on a scale of one to ten, what number are you?" And he said a two. And I thought, "Oh my gosh, I don't know if I've ever been a two. I'm a yellow, I'm always like an eight or a nine. Like I'm trying to see the best.
So I was really trying to walk on eggshells to make his life as easy as possible so that it wouldn't plunge him into either addiction or being depressed, any self-harm, or any of that. [00:29:39]
Laura Dugger: I'm just guessing that that pressure, that you're holding all of that, at some point that has to fall through where you can't be the savior for everyone. Was there anything that, kind of that proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, was there anything that happened after that point?
Jenny Boyett: Yeah. I would say as only God could do, He had lined up some women in my life all during this time and had me going through this hope program. Now it's called Renew at the church. And I was in counseling. So I really feel like all of those things almost were a basis to walk me through the trauma. Like it kept me hanging on, so that I told people, they'd go, oh, let's just go out and have a drink. And I'm like, "If I go out and have a drink, I'm not going to stop So I can't do that." I may binge on Netflix or something.
I was able to have women in my life and people really guarding, you know, having guardrails for me because it was such a trying time. [00:30:39] I just thought of the thing that broke the camel's back that actually was another piece of this risky behavior was that he bought a gun and we had not even talked about owning a gun in our home. And I'm not for or against it. It just was a big surprise to me to one day hear, not even from him, but from a family member that he had shown the gun to. It was like, "What's going on?" That's when we just started to dive in.
I had constantly felt like there was more to the stories that I was hearing. And so that's when I really went digging. He was on a trip one time and I just started digging through a bunch of stuff and emails and receipts, and that was when I had found out that it wasn't just our home equity line. There were five or six credit cards that I didn't know about. There was some inappropriate relationships with coworkers that I had found emails with. There were receipts for drinking.
So, at this point, all of it's going on. [00:31:38] There's drinking, there's inappropriate relationships with other women and there's excessive spending. And so it all came to a head at once. It was 2011 and it was, oh my gosh.
He was away on a trip, and so I'd called the, you know, the mentors and the people that had walked with me. And we kind of had to come to Jesus and brought him in once he got home from the trip and was like, "Okay, what is going on? Something's got to change."
At that point, I just knew there had been infidelity. I felt like I didn't even know the life I was living. It was very, very hard. But as some people that are listening or those that may know this, you know, when you back somebody who is definitely struggling with either addiction or mental illness into a corner, it's not that they just fold or not all the times. I always say there's two different people. There's broken people and busted people. Unfortunately, my husband was busted at the time. He wasn't broken. [00:32:36]
So he spent the next several months really just trying to deny and fight through things and makeup very outlandish things that tried to disprove what we had already proved. So it was a very difficult time.
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Was he diagnosed with any mental illness during this process?
Jenny Boyett: He was. He was diagnosed with bipolar, bipolar II, and got some medication. [00:33:42] We started seeing a psychiatrist. Honestly, again, at that point when we had that diagnosis, even though I couldn't prove infidelity, but I knew there was drinking and I knew there was spending, I felt as my yellow self a sense of hope of like, Okay, we've got another answer. Once we get the cocktail that they call it for mental health figured out, life will go back to some sort of manageable process, and he won't have all of these issues because we'll have the right medicine.
Unfortunately, that was not the case. It took quite a while, and the medicine never quite got to a place that leveled him out, if you will. In hindsight, I know that you have to be honest with your psychiatrist to get diagnosed properly. And you also have to refrain from some of the addictions, some of the substance abuse while you're trying to get the right medicine, which now I know he didn't do. So the medicine was... we never got to a place that I felt like we were normal again. [00:34:42]
Then the pastors and the people that were walking with us basically said, "Hey, if there's any more lies or any more spending, then you've got to separate." And so that's exactly what happened. So we spent the January in 2012, 30 days separate. That seemed to change his life. He hated being away from our family. He started seeing a new counselor and was having biweekly meetings with some pastors. We were all super encouraged that this was going to be the game changer.
I felt like the Lord spoke to me that time that if there's anything that I do figure out or that comes to light, I'm going to forgive him and we're going to start new. That was really hard. I was like, Did I really hear that from the Lord? But that's what I did.
So in our counseling, trying to come back after that 30-day separation, I was really ready to hear whatever truth he had to share, infidelity, more spending, addiction. [00:35:48] The counselor gave us two weeks to come up with what we call our personal inventory list. If there was anything that either one of us needed to share so that we could start on new ground.
That two weeks was really hard because I'm thinking every day, like, What am I going to hear? How is this going to be? This is going to be terrible."
The meeting ended up being on Valentine's Day of all days of 2012. We got into the meeting with the counselor and the counselor said, "All right, let me hear your inventory." And he said he had nothing. I just sat there and I thought, "Oh my gosh, that's not true." I knew it with every bone in my being that wasn't true. That pretty much is what sent us on this quest for truth. I believe everybody that had been walking with us, even the counselor knew that wasn't true.
If you fast forward, it took about until November of that year for truth to come out. [00:36:52] And in that meantime, we tried to make it work. Then he eventually was busted again by spending. So he was given the choice to go to treatment or to move out and he chose to move out.
He absolutely moved out and abandoned me and the girls. He moved his paycheck and he just completely went downhill from there. It wasn't until his company got involved November of 2012 that he finally was taken to treatment. Wasn't willing to go, but was taken, didn't have much of an option. At that point, he was fully involved with other women, spending money, and drinking. So it was the low of the lows. But that was in November of 2012.
Laura Dugger: Wow. So since that point, you've been separated, since 2012 when he chose to abandon the family. Is that right? [00:37:52]
Jenny Boyett: No, not since then. Well, I almost feel like it's a lifetime miniseries and it's so intriguing. But then I realized I'm the main character and it's almost unbelievable. But we have not just been separated since 2012. So he went to treatment. It was a 90-day treatment program, and we had a friends and family weekend and I went and he literally was a changed man. It took 90 days. He admitted all of the infidelity was true, all of the spending.
I found out, I mean, a list of personal inventory of things that were just shocking. It included friends of mine. It was just the low of the low. But he got out of treatment and went to a transition home and lived there for five months.
At this point... sorry, I missed a big part... right before he went into treatment in September, October of 12, he was spending excessive amounts of money and really had started cashing out all of his 401k. [00:39:02] And so I had put together with the suggestion of others, it wasn't my idea, but basically a board of advisors. And this was five near and dear people, friends, pastors, counselors that could guide me because I did not have the emotional bandwidth or the objectivity to know what to do when.
So this board would meet often and we would guide my next step. And so we knew in September that my next step was that I needed to file for divorce if for no other reason, with the hope of getting him help. So I did file for divorce and I had him served. So divorce was on the treatment. But I put everything on hold when he went into treatment because my hope I never really... I didn't want a divorce. I just wanted to get to the bottom of things and I wanted to have a foundation of truth. So we had that.
But he got out of treatment and we had a meeting and he said, "I will sign these divorce papers and ask if you would hold on to them and give me a second chance because I'm going to spend the rest of my life pursuing you and the girls and make this up to you." [00:40:16] I couldn't believe it. But it was almost like an insurance policy, if you will, because during his worst times, he was getting very nasty with threats of financial support for me and the girls or custody of me and the girls. So these papers were written up all to my benefit and he signed them and I signed them and the counselor held on to them.
So for two and a half years, we went to counseling often. We were very involved in the recovery community. He did move back in the house, but he moved into the basement and we did not sleep in the same bed or anything. But for all intents and purposes, after about the first year, we were 100% moving towards reconciliation.
It just was really hard. And forgiveness can take a while. Even not just for me to forgive him, but I think it was taking a while for him to forgive himself. [00:41:17] And so he asked me to remarry him and we renewed our vows December 19th in 2015.
So he went into treatment February of 2012 and we renewed our December of 2015. It is only because of God. Only because of God. I mean, I never thought that I would be able to kiss him or be intimate with him again after everything that I had heard of the infidelity. And I can honestly say God absolutely mended my broken heart and that I fully trusted him again. Fully trusted him again. I would have bet my life that nothing would have ever, ever, ever happened again after everything we had been through. But that wasn't in the cards.
Unfortunately, July 2017, it came to light that he had relapsed, specifically with drinking, and was unwilling to get back into recovery. [00:42:29] So I pulled out all the stops again and got the pastors and the people and even the recovery community and we tried to rally again to get him back into recovery or back into a place that he could even be sober-minded to hear things. And he was unwilling.
Again, he chose to move out. Unfortunately, it's been pretty downhill since then. He has lost jobs, cashed out all his 401k, filed bankruptcy. There's just been a lot of consequences to that. Did go back into treatment because of another company that he had worked for. But unfortunately, that was just a really short program that was more of checking a box.
So we divorced officially in 2018. Since then he hasn't been super involved with the girls at all until recently. [00:43:31] I feel like he is maybe getting to be in a better place. Time will tell. But we pray for him every day. I would absolutely love for him to be able to be a co-parent and to invest in our girls because I know how much they desperately need that. But it's been a really hard road for them in this whole process.
So we just are all continuing to be in counseling and trying to be the best versions of ourselves while praying for their dad.
Laura Dugger: Wow. Thank you for sharing everything that's led up to this point, even to today. As you are looking back, I think that this is going to really encourage someone, especially if they're married to someone who struggles with addiction or has that bipolar diagnosis, there are not many safe places where they can have these candid conversations in the church. [00:44:31]
So as you've continued staying in God's care through this whole process, what do you think it was that God and others did to carry you along? And what was most helpful?
Jenny Boyett: I would say that it's really hard for other people that haven't walked a walk like I have to do anything other than listen. Because until you experience that, it's very easy to say, Oh, I would divorce him or I would leave him or I wouldn't put up with that. Or I would never divorce him. I would never leave him. I would never break my vows.
I would say until you're in that situation, the best thing that you can do is listen. If they're asking you for advice, obviously you share it. But if they're not asking you, bring a meal, offer to take their kids to give them some alone time, get them a massage. [00:45:34] You know, really just love them and be there for them and try to not offer your opinion a whole lot. Because it's hard. You're not going to please everybody. I mean, I had as many people frustrated that I got back together with him at that point as I did that when we broke up at that point. And so, you know, really just trying to understand.
Ask questions more so of what is your friend feeling and thinking? I remember one of my friends, instead of judging while this had been going on for so many years, she said, Tell me where this energy is coming from for you to fight for him for so much. And I thought that's a great question because I was able to look at her and I said, I want to be able to tell my girls when they are 23, 24 years old and say, "Mom, what happened?" That I can look at them and I can tell them that I literally did everything in my power to keep our marriage together and to give them the dad that I know is the dad that he'd want to be. [00:46:40] And until that point comes where I feel like I've done everything, I'm going to keep trying."
I felt like that gave her an enormous amount of insight and also an ability to support me in that. But then also the verbiage to say, you know, when the second time happened and he chose to leave again to say, When is enough? Like, when do you think enough will be enough? Because I'm just curious.
It really helped open some dialogue for me and also then helped open my eyes of like, yeah, I'm so worried about the story that my girls are going to be living if they come from a divorced home but I've forgotten about the story they could be living by living in the home we're currently living in with a husband that's an addict and them watching their mom continue to not have a firm line in the sand of what's acceptable. [00:47:39]
I think living with somebody and walking with them and doing life with them and asking the questions will then give you the ability to guide them when there's a time to guide them.
Laura Dugger: Wow. Thank you for answering that. I almost feel like it's not even fair to ask you to analyze all of that, but I think that is so helpful. Also then speaking to the husband or wife, the spouse who's married to someone who hasn't looked the way that they've expected, is there any encouragement or even practical wisdom you would want to share with them?
Jenny Boyett: Yes. I had a counselor tell me and ask me about a picture of my husband as a child. And I have this picture of him with his little bowl cut and this little striped shirt. He's probably 8 years old. I look at that picture often.
And the counselor said, "Look at this picture. [00:48:38] Do you think that this little boy ever wanted to grow up to be the man that he is right now?" And I said, "No." And he said, "Whenever you're talking to him or interacting with him and he's pushing your buttons, I want you to think about that 8-year-old little boy, because he's still in there."
That was a game changer to me because I knew the potential that my husband had. I knew the good man that he was, that he had lost his way. And instead of bowing up and matching his energy of deceit and lies and false accusations, it took Jesus for sure. But if I could keep that vision in my mind and try to always talk to him in the way that I knew he wanted to be, it would be easier and it would speak life into him. [00:49:37] And don't get me wrong. I'm no Mother Teresa. I did plenty that I can go back and go, Oh my gosh, I lost it on that occasion.
But I would say for anyone that has a husband that you're struggling with right now or a wife and you are so angry and so frustrated and so hurt, think of them in a sense of, I can promise you they never wanted to be who they are right now. Ever. And you may be the only person that can speak to them to their potential and try to use your influence to have them be the best version of themselves. And I would encourage you to use that influence for good.
Laura Dugger: That's an incredibly gracious and insightful response. I am curious, does he know Jesus?
Jenny Boyett: He does. In fact, he would say that he was saved. I mean, he played the part and did things that were expected of him. But it was his second night of treatment the first time in 2012 that he felt like Jesus met him. [00:50:41] And he accepted Jesus, and then he was baptized on Father's Day of June 2013. So he does know Jesus.
Sometimes it's hard to see the fruits of the Spirit, but I believe that Jesus more than anybody is calling him to live the best version of himself and is with him and is just patiently waiting for him to turn back towards him.
Laura Dugger: Hmm. That brings me to one more question. Jenny, what is your hope then for the future?
Jenny Boyett: Gosh, my hope for the future is that he becomes sober and well and the best version of himself following Jesus with a passion, and that that in turn then has him pursue his girls with the same passion, to be in their life, to be somebody that is wise and that guides them and is protecting them and wants to shepherd them throughout the rest of their years. [00:51:48]
Laura Dugger: We don't usually do this, but would it be okay if we all prayed together right now?
Jenny Boyett: That would be great.
Laura Dugger: Heavenly Father, thank you for Jenny. Thank you for her willingness to share this. It's not just a story, Lord. It's her life. And she so generously and vulnerably entered even into all of that pain for someone's benefit today, Lord. I'm not sure who you're trying to reach or all of us, but I pray that these words would land tenderly that Your Holy Spirit would enlighten what we are called to do with it.
But I just want to lift Jenny up right now. I want to thank You for her. I want to thank You for the way You created her and her temperament and for gifting her with this energy and passion and zeal to not only pursue You, Lord, but to pursue Your ways and walk in Your ways and apply Your wisdom and the fruit of spirit is so abundant in her life, Lord. [00:52:52]
I just pray for him right now. I don't know his name, but you do, God. I pray that You would bring sobriety right now. And I pray that you would do a mighty supernatural work. I pray that you would gently and tenderly care for all of the hearts involved, all four of their daughters, and for him and for Jenny, and that you would do something radical.
We know that our stories are all for your glory anyway, Lord, but I just pray redemption and restoration and healing and that he would turn toward you and your voice would become louder. And even that the demons would be away from him, the voices that are or the spirit that's trying to bring him down and tempt him and trying to overcome him, Lord. We know that you are stronger. You are greater. You are more powerful. You are amazing. You're the only one that can do this work. So collectively, we all come together, we beg You, Lord Jesus, to do a mighty work. [00:53:53]
I pray that when you turn his heart to you, Lord, that he would then love you. You would gift him with that ability to love you and then also to love and pursue with that passion and protection for his girls. We pray this all in Jesus' name. Amen.
Jenny Boyett: Amen. Thank you.
Laura Dugger: Yes. Well, thank you for just being so vulnerable, letting us into this story, and giving us so much encouragement just to continue seeking Jesus. You're just amazing, Jenny.
Jenny Boyett: Well, it's all God, let me tell you. Because if it was me, I'd be in a fetal position in my room and I've been there the last eight years. So Jesus can sustain us. And it's true. If you can lean into him, it is so true.
Laura Dugger: Amen. As a fellow yellow, we can't end here. We're going to lighten it up. [00:54:54] So my last question for you today, you already know we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. And so as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Jenny Boyett: It's going to go a little heavy again, but what I would say is don't ever stop fighting for your spouse. Even though my husband and I are now divorced, I am still praying for him and fighting as much as I can for him to be the best version of himself and the best dad. And that means dying to myself a lot.
So I would say any wife that's out there that is just ready to give up and is frustrated, just fight, fight, fight, because the enemy wants nothing more than to tear families apart. The grass is not greener. I'm telling you, it's hard on both sides. I'm not saying hang on forever, but I'm saying do whatever you can do and use your influence for good. That's what we can do. So we can always fight for each other instead of against each other. [00:56:03]
Laura Dugger: That's a good, good word. You are just such a joy to spend time with. I just want to echo it one more time that so much fruit of the Spirit is evident in your life and in this conversation. So thank you for being my guest, Jenny.
Jenny Boyett: Oh, thank you. I hope to see you again.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:57:07] This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10.9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. [00:58:13]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:59:15]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce
Practical chats for intentional living
A faith-based podcast and resources to help you grow closer to Jesus and others. Expect encouragement, surprises, and hope here. Each episode offers lively interviews with fascinating guests such as therapists, authors, non-profit founders, and business leaders.
They share their best practices and savvy tips we can replicate to make our daily life and relationships more enjoyable!
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