*Disclaimer: This material is for adults only.
In graduate school I was about one week old in my new faith as a Christ-follower and I was not familiar with the process of discernment. I was a baby in my faith, so I didn’t have years of communication with the Holy Spirit to draw on as a reference point. I couldn’t articulate well certain new thoughts I was having as God had recently given me a new heart and forgiven me for my sins, and made the necessity of a Savior, Jesus Christ, so personal to me. It was such an exciting time of living in a new place while meeting new people and studying something I have always been passionate about: relationships.
In August of 2007, I was just starting out at Richmont Graduate University in Atlanta, GA thrilled to get to study marriage and family therapy. This particular week, I was made aware of possible specializations I could add to my education. The options were spirituality, child and adolescent development, Christian sex therapy, coaching, or addictions. Out of those five options, I was a little weirded out when Christian sex therapy kept jumping off the page at me. I couldn’t get this specialization choice out of my head and I felt awkward even considering this as my specialization. I quickly tried to think of who would talk me out of this, so I called my dad, assuming he would absolutely recommend spirituality, of course!
This was one of those conversations I did not realize in the moment would be a life-changer! Dad answered and I simply shared what the five specialization options were. I asked him which one he would recommend and after a brief pause he said, “Well, honey, if you are studying marriage and family therapy, sex is a really important part of marriage. I would choose Christian sex therapy.”
I was floored! And I also was excited and nervous and experiencing a whole range of other emotions.
I did not realize it was the Holy Spirit impressing this idea upon me as God was inviting me into a life-changing specialization. I didn’t understand at the time that the Holy Spirit was anointing this conversation and guiding my dad to offer such timely advice.
This specialization has shaped my views on life, benefited our marriage, blessed The Savvy Sauce podcast, led me into countless sacred conversations, and today I pray it is a gift for you!
I have sat across the room from clients who have shared intimate details and struggles in their lives and then confided in me with celebrations as well! I have treasured confidential conversations with friends as they ask questions or disclose what has been helpful and harmful in their marriage. No topic is off-limits when seeking God and discerning His ways is the foundation of the conversation. I am so humbled and grateful God called me into this line of work.
So when I thought about writing you a note of encouragement today, I wanted to list the first 20 things that come to my mind as it relates to sexual intimacy in marriage. It was supposed to be my top ten list, but I jotted down my notes first and there are actually 20! It could easily be 100, but I’m pacing myself 🙂
Articles on sexual intimacy in marriage require a lot of disclaimers because this is a sensitive topic.
Anytime I talk about sex, I am aware there is a whole spectrum of hurt such as pain during intercourse, infidelity, pornography addiction, abuse, medical obstacles, and many others. This is not the place to address all these hurts that are so individualized because individual hurts require individual care. I highly recommend christian counseling and Faithful Counseling is a great place to begin if you do not have a licensed professional Christian counselor in your area. (Bonus: If you sign up through this link, they will take 10% off your first month.)
I’ll tell you upfront what this letter is and what this is not: this note is written for healthy couples as an encouragement to come together more regularly, to enjoy and delight in this good gift from God, to allow sex to draw you closer to your spouse, and to help you smile when you think about this topic. This is not an article to focus on sexual intimacy recommendations within an abusive or destructive marriage. This is not an article devoted to the pains and medical issues that make sexual intimacy difficult and this is not written as a prescription for every couple to try when they are in the midst of recovery or healing. For those situations, I recommend the following resources:
Biblical Response to Emotionally Destructive Relationships with Leslie Vernick
Pornography Healing for Spouses with Geremy Keeton
Sexual Sin Recovery for You and Your Spouse (Part Two)
Female Pornography Addiction and Meaningful Recovery with Crystal Renaud Day
Anatomy of an Affair with Dave Carder
Pain and Joy in Sexual Intimacy with Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist, Dr. Jessica McCleese
Healthy Ways for Females to Increase Sexual Enjoyment with Tracey LeGrand
Here is my final disclaimer. When it comes to sex, it is such a delicate, complex, and sacred topic, so I am hesitant to write a short article. However, my care and concern is for the person questioning something or suffering in silence, unsure of where to turn for help. I am writing this post for you and I pray God directs each reader with discretion for how to apply this material in their own lives.
“All who are prudent act with knowledge, but fools expose their folly.” Proverbs 13:16 (NIV)
Prudence is carefully choosing our actions with thought for the future. Basically, prudence is intentionality and this verse reveals knowledge precedes prudence. So let’s begin with a little knowledge so we can intentionally enjoy sexual intimacy in marriage that will benefit us for both the present and the future!
I want to share 20 thoughts and you can learn more about any of these topics that interest you through researching the resources I recommend with each thought. I hope to introduce you to fresh concepts or just remind you of wonderful lessons you’ve already learned. Regardless, I pray this refreshes your marriage and draws you closer to each other.
Today we will only cover the first item because it is the most important. (Make sure you join our email list so you don’t miss out on Part Two of this article.) Books could be written about a theology of sexual intimacy, but here are just a few thoughts to support this first item I want you to be aware of as we consider how to have a God-honoring and enjoyable sex life with our spouse:
- A biblical view of sex is the best foundation! What do you believe God says is one purpose for sex? Many people respond to this question with “be fruitful and multiply.” They are correct in saying this, but if we are satisfied with only that one Scripture, we miss out on all sorts of other gifts God has to offer in this area! Yes, be fruitful and multiply. It is a miracle that God allows sex to sometimes lead to procreation. And also, there is more of a feast available.
Here is a sampler platter of the feast available to married couples: God invites us to be intoxicated through our love of our spouse and our enjoyment of each other’s body (Proverbs 5:19). He created sex and allows us to experience creative delights, both old and new (Song of Solomon 7:13). God allows our relationship with Him to provide a practical framework for staying connected in marriage (Revelation 2:4-5). When it comes to connecting sexually, God encourages us to drink deeply (Song of Solomon 5:1) and He strengthens our connection when we are united both to Him and to our spouse (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12).
God also advises us what we ought not to do with sex.
The most precious parts of our lives are best enjoyed within loving parameters. God often gives us loving boundaries for maximum enjoyment. If sex was designed to occur without parameters there would be horrific implications: infidelity, sex with minors, or sex for the sole purpose of physical release. None of these things would not be off-limits. Instead of an act that draws us closer to our spouse and closer to our Creator, sex would simply be a selfish act that would ultimately leave us unfulfilled.
Satan is not creative, so he cannot create anything new. He can only pervert and distort what has already been created. Make no mistake: God created sex! Sex is good, but not in the way Satan has twisted it. Affairs and trafficking and sex outside of marriage or no sex in marriage are all ways the enemy of our soul has tried to steal the joy and connection and intimacy and union that sex within marriage was originally intended for. (More on this from episode 151: Discovering God’s Design for Romance)
But there is a pure form of God-honoring sex described in the Bible. Notice these loving parameters God has carefully given us with this valuable gift of sex He has entrusted to us:
We are told to not awaken love before its time (Song of Solomon 8:4), not to defile the marriage bed or make it impure (Hebrews 13:4). Examples of this may include bringing in a third party of pornography or another person. We also see how we are expected to be responsible for avoiding lust outside of marriage (Job 31:1).
Reading the Bible to understand God’s heart for marriage and specifically for sexual intimacy requires us to also not abuse Scripture. If we have a heart of selfish ambition we can manipulate Scripture or take it out of context, such as selfishly demanding “Her body is mine, so I am entitled to sex whenever I want.” This is neglecting the passages from Ephesians 5:21 where it first says we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. It is also a distortion of 1 Corinthians 7:4 because it leaves out part of the verse and approaches the Scripture with a selfish heart. When the Bible encourages us to give our bodies to one another, it is more of an encouragement for stewardship than a demand for entitlement. God has a grander vision for sex where we are invited to willingly offer ourselves to our spouse and there is reciprocity in this invitation. God does not want us to miss out on any good thing (Psalm 84:11) and sex in marriage is such a good thing! God never encourages us to use one another as a means to an end. Instead, sexual intimacy in God’s economy is uniting and delightful and we see in the next point a key ingredient. To read this next key ingredient of God’s economy for sex, make sure you sign up for our email list to receive our articles in your inbox.
Next week, I can’t wait to share the other 19 points with you! They will go a little faster, and I think you will certainly benefit from these next items.
Until then, I pray you ask God to reveal His theology of sex to you this week and I pray you seek Him and His Word and His Holy Spirit in creative ways as He shares knowledge, wisdom, and insight with you in a personal way. I pray you start conversations not only with God, but also with your spouse. And I pray for peace and blessings on your journey as you courageously live counter-culturally by enjoying a pure, God-honoring sex life in your marriage.
May you experience God with you on this sacred journey.
All my love,
Laura
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