Practical Ways to Rekindle Love in Marriage
How did you meet and fall in love with your spouse?
What feelings were you experiencing at that point in your story? What were your expectations for your future together? Would you say your current marriage reflects those hopeful expectations? On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your marital satisfaction today?
No matter the number, there is always room for more enjoyment, connection, and intimate satisfaction.
But how?
The Bible is the best source to teach us about love, and there is a special Scripture I want to draw your attention to. I think it’s good to revisit this Scripture and apply the lessons to our marriage.
Revelation 2:4a in the NIV states
“Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.”
This spiritual truth calls people to return to God and it simultaneously provides insight into our marital relationship. Even when we are doing a lot of things well, it is still not good to forsake the love we had at first. Fortunately, the Bible gives us the exact plan for how to proceed: Consider, Repent, and Do!
There is benefit in slowing down to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you how to apply all three of these steps, but we will just focus on the final exhortation today.
Do the things you did at first
What did your relationship look like at first? I’m going to guess you liked each other and loved each other. Maybe that sounds too simplistic, but these simple truths become profound when we apply them to our marriage. Let’s return to each one and see what it can look like in our lives today!
Three of the words for “love” in the Bible are Eros, philos, and agape (see blueletterbible.org for the original language and meaning of words in the Bible). We spend a lot of time on The Savvy Sauce podcast discussing all three forms of love. I will mention some recommended episodes at the end to help you grow in your understanding of all three types of love.
Eros is what comes to mind when we think of passionate or sexually intimate expressions of love, like those described within the Song of Solomon. Agape love is unconditional and values-based love (the type of love referred to in Revelation 2:4a), and then there is philos, which I like to think of as the “liking love.”
Like each other.
Philos is the type of love encouraged in Titus 2:4b (AMP) where older women are called to:
“encourage the young women to tenderly love their husbands and their children,”
Love encouraged here is philos. At its core it can be thought of as a fond, friendly, or dear kind of love. This is the type of affection we have for a friend and it is experience-based love, rather than the agape love that is decision-based and value-driven. I believe the encouragement here is to share experiences together and focus on the positives of our spouse if we want to grow in our liking-love toward them.
Have you ever heard of the popular book, His Needs Her Needs: Building a Marriage that Lasts? The author was a fascinating guest on the podcast, Romantic Love in Marriage, and one simple strategy of his stands out as an actionable way to do the things we did at first with our spouse: share favorite recreational activities together.
If that idea does not resonate with you, make sure you still ask your spouse for their opinion on this topic. For most husbands, a deep emotional need is met through recreational companionship shared with their wife.
Think back to dating: what activities did the two of you enjoy together? Most likely, the combination of eye to eye and shoulder to shoulder bonding activities were part of the reason you fell in love. Returning to these mutually enjoyable activities is an efficient and effective way to build your love and marital satisfaction today! If you need ideas to get started, check out the Recreational Enjoyment Inventory from Dr. Willard Harley.
Or consider your answers to these questions: What do you like about your spouse? Will you share your response with him/her? What is an activity or experience you would like to share with them? Are there any shared past experiences you like to reminisce on together? Try bringing one up during your next conversation.
Love each other.
Jesus says in John 13:34:
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (NIV)
Jesus loves in selfless ways. He is unselfish and generous in His love for us. One way we can imitate His love for us is in the way we actively and selflessly love our spouse.
I can’t think of a better summary for loving our spouse than through the Five Love Languages with Dr. Gary Chapman.
Most likely, the way you receive love naturally is primarily through one of the following: quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch, or words of affirmation. You may even offer your love in the way you most naturally receive it. Your motives are probably pure and your desire is strong to show love to your spouse. However, your good intentions are not enough to communicate love effectively. You need to learn and then offer love in your spouse’s native language if you want them to fully receive and enjoy your love.
If you are like most couples, your love languages are not the same. Even if they do happen to fall in the same category, your dialects are likely to be different! This is not bad. It seems God has a purpose in growing us in unselfish love by pairing us with a spouse who requires different actions than we do when it comes to receiving love.
Just like learning a new language does not come naturally, but requires work, so does learning to speak in your spouse’s love language. Because it is challenging does not make it bad. Instead, it is a worthy and worthwhile pursuit!
If you didn’t grow up receiving love in these languages, it may be extra difficult to learn, but it is never impossible! The best way to learn how to offer love in your spouse’s native language is by trying different methods while also communicating with them. I always find open-ended questions to be the most helpful route to experience deeper levels of communication. (See Marriage: Foundational Questions to Promote Connection.) If you are wanting to get started, here are some simple ideas, and if you want to research the topic more, I recommend purchasing Dr. Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages.
Quality Time: Put away all technology and give your spouse your undivided attention the next time you are both together. You can come to that conversation prepared with one thoughtful question. You can try siting by each other in the house or asking them to go on a walk with you. Be a student of your spouse to learn their dialect: ask them if they prefer spending quality time shoulder-to-shoulder, such as riding in a car or doing a sport or hobby alongside each other, or connecting face-to-face, such as talking while sharing a meal or beverage together. Even if it is different from your preference, try making an effort to invest time this week to connect with undivided attention and a positive attitude, in the way they request.
Acts of Service: Notice small tasks your spouse takes care of around the house and start doing at least one of those tasks each day, in addition to your typical responsibilities. If you are still stuck on where to begin, start with a chore that never ends, such as dishes, laundry, cleaning, tidying, or filling up the gas tank. Be intentional to add at least one to-do item to your list each day this week. Ask your spouse how you could best serve them this week or ask them for the one thing that they wish they could have checked off their to-do list. Then surprise them by completing their task and communicate that you did this because you love them and you hope it lightens their load and conveys your appreciation for all they do.
Gifts: Remember the thoughtfulness that goes into a gift is the most meaningful part to your spouse, and not the financial value! Make a note to think of them throughout your days ahead and when you encounter a physical object that comes to mind and reminds you of them, purchase it and wrap it up nicely to offer them as a gift. For some people with the love language of gifts, the packaging matters, so attempt to make it neat and attractive before you present it to them! Ask them what some of their most meaningful gifts have been from the past and what feelings were attached to receiving that gift. Then get creative with a way to recreate it, even if it is just giving them a picture of the gift and writing a note that you wish you could give it to them to express your love.
Physical Touch: Though sexual intimacy is a wonderful glue in marriage, those who have the love language of physical touch do not limit pleasurable touches to sexual advances. Try offering a non-sexual touch to your spouse at home this week by initiating lingering hugs, scratching their back as you sit beside them, or reaching out for their hand when you are walking together. Ask them what their preferred touch is and increase that touch in your relationship this week!
Words of Affirmation: Chick-fil-A founder, Truett Cathy, was known to say “How do you know if someone needs encouragement? . . . If they are breathing!” One way to encourage your spouse with words of affirmation is to keep a log this next week of all the specific and unique qualities and actions you appreciate about your spouse. Then write them a letter or verbally share your list with them. Ask them what character traits they hope to grow into and verbally affirm them when you see them make an effort or grow more in that area.
If you enjoy ideas for establishing connecting habits in marriage, make sure you read Fun Daily and Weekly Marital Enrichment Habits and Fun Monthly and Yearly Marital Enrichment Habits.
Here are The Savvy Sauce Podcast Recommended Marriage Episodes related to:
Eros: Fostering a Fun, Healthy Sex Life with your Spouse with Dr. Jennifer Konzen We did a whole week of episodes related to this topic in September of 2018 and since then, we have tried to release about one episode per month related to the Eros form of love.
Philos: Understanding Gender Differences in Marriage with Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant A playful look at how to appreciate and celebrate ways we are different.
Agape: Supernatural Restoration Story with Bob and Audrey Meisner Stories are powerful and this one will inspire you to choose to love your spouse unconditionally, by the strength available in Jesus.
Marriage is such a gift and I pray yours is strengthened today as you put these ideas into practice!
Much love,
Laura
About The Savvy Sauce
Practical chats for intentional living
A faith-based podcast and resources to help you grow closer to Jesus and others. Expect encouragement, surprises, and hope here. Each episode offers lively interviews with fascinating guests such as therapists, authors, non-profit founders, and business leaders.
They share their best practices and savvy tips we can replicate to make our daily life and relationships more enjoyable!
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