Living Intentionally in Marriage, Part Two
If you are following the quarterly schedule for refreshing on Jan 1st, April 1st, July 1st, and October 1st, here it is!
If you are unsure what I’m talking about, make sure you refer back to Fun Monthly and Yearly Marital Enrichment Habits and Living Intentionally in Marriage: Quarterly Check-ins with Your Spouse.
Those articles give a specific layout for this helpful quarterly meeting. If you have subscribed to our email list for a while, you may remember receiving specific questions to ask during your quarterly meeting.
I will go first and answer a similar question to one on that previous list:
What is the Lord reminding me of lately?
There are two lessons God taught me long ago, but He often reminds me of the same lessons multiple times and they are helpful in a different way, depending on my current life circumstances. These two lessons stand out in my life right now:
First, I remember years ago asking my friend, Tammy, what she thought about rest and she replied, “I am convinced - it is how we fight our spiritual battles.”
When I’m not strategic about my days or I’m frivolous with my time at night, my sleep gets compromised and it’s a big price to pay. Tammy’s wise words have been repeating back in my head as we are coming out of a particularly challenging week. Her words remind me that there is a spiritual war and rest is one weapon I have the power to use as I fight.
On a totally different topic, God is reminding me how clarity for future decisions comes when I have pre-determined filters in place.
If I’ve taken the time to discern what is most meaningful at this stage of life and also decide what is outside my limits during this time, then I experience more freedom doing the things I am called to do, while setting aside the other things!
One filter that has been meaningful in our marriage is knowing our values. This affects the way we choose to steward our finances and it helps us determine which requests to accept or decline as it relates to our time.
Our friend, Natalie Taylor, explains the importance of knowing your values in How to Align Your Finances with Your Values and I encourage you to visit her website (in the show notes for her episode) and go through her free values exercise!
A few examples of our values are thriving relationships and meaningful work. This helps us easily choose to hold off on house projects if someone invites us to hang out because we value thriving relationships! This also made our decision easier to make for choosing to take an 80% paycut a few months into marriage to pursue work that was more meaningful! These are just a few decisions we have never regretted, because they were perfectly in alignment with our values.
Lessons and reminders like these come into focus when Mark and I take the time quarterly to process deeper questions. It sets us up well to live intentionally for the next three months and I can’t recommend it highly enough!
I have written about this quarterly meeting multiple times because it is very important to me and because I need this reminder, at least every 90 days. It is one practical way I can seek to live out this verse:
“stripping off every unnecessary weight and the sin which so easily and cleverly entangles us, let us run with endurance and active persistence the race that is set before us, [looking away from all that will distract us and] focusing our eyes on Jesus, who is the Author and Perfecter of faith [the first incentive for our belief and the One who brings our faith to maturity],” Hebrews 12:1b-2a (AMP)
Jesus is the prize!
Whether this is your first time considering these questions, or if you just need a reminder like me, I pray these are profitable and fruitful as you discuss these during your next quarterly meeting!
Questions we ask, and examples of goals we’ve listed, related to each topic of our quarterly agenda:
Schedule and Activities
First, list out all your current personal, marital, and family commitments.
As we review this list, what should stay?
What should go?
Is there anything that needs to be added?
Rhythms that are working
First, take inventory: what is our current evening routine, morning routine, and daily schedule? (I list it in that order because we have found our evening routine affects everything that follows and it is more of a temptation to be frivolous with our time in the evening. When we want change, we begin there.)
What are some habits that we unintentionally or intentionally practice every day?
Could we replace or build on any of these habits and rhythms to make them work even better?
Are these habits honoring to each other and the rest of the family?
Personal Development
Are we doing anything intentional to grow in wisdom?
What are some growth spurts of maturity we have experienced in the past?
What led us there?
For Mark and me, one example of a goal in this area included scheduling more margin. Another meeting, we listed a goal of reaching out to meet with a mentor.
Family
How are all of us doing individually?
Does anyone need more support or attention currently?
What bonding activities can we plan for next year, such as family nights once per month, a trip, or date nights with each of our kids?
What areas do we want to focus on for this next quarter, such as Scripture memorization or specific character traits to cultivate?
Professional
Are there areas where we want to focus or grow, such as team development or profitability?
What milestones are we working to reach?
How do we feel about our own work/life balance?
How do we feel about our spouse’s work/life balance?
Are there any tweaks we could make to ensure this balance is more in line with our overall goals and how we are hoping to live as a couple?
Finances
Are we spending less than we earn?
Are we having conflicts related to finances?
What emotions can we name that are tied to our experience with money this past quarter?
What are the numbers in our bank account?
What do we want to work together to save for, such as a family vacation?
Marriage
How connected have you felt in this past season?
Do we feel the same way or did we each experience a different degree of connection?
Are we loving each other in the way our spouse prefers to receive love? (Listen to Love Languages for more context here.)
In the past, Mark and I have set a goal for two getaways in the next year for at least two nights, just the two of us. Other years, we have set a goal to read at least one marriage book together or attend at least one marriage conference.
Spiritual
What is the Lord teaching us lately?
What private disciplines do we want to grow in, such as maintaining a prayer/gratitude log or honoring the Sabbath or reading our Bible daily?
How in tune do we feel with the leading of the Holy Spirit?
Is there anything distracting us from being present to God?
What is one spiritual goal we have for the next 90 days?
Physical
We ask each other these questions, without adding feedback or criticism. Instead, this is a great time to offer a simple, and sincere, word of appreciation or affirmation (“I appreciate how well you prioritize caring for yourself.” or “I’m so attracted to you.” or “I still find you to be the most beautiful/handsome person in the world!”) For Mark and me, we find that encouragement in this area is the only response that is helpful, but you may feel differently in your marriage. Here are questions we ask each other:
Are you satisfied with your energy level?
Are you drinking enough water?
Are you comfortable with the way you look and feel?
Are you prioritizing movement and nutrition as much as you would like?
Are you satisfied with the amount of time you are choosing to work out?
Do you have any nutritional goals?
What is one way you hope to make progress physically?
Intellectual
What books have been most impactful in our lives?
What’s a list of podcasts that benefitted us the most the past 90 days?
Who are people that we surround ourselves with that challenge us to grow, intellectually?
What books do we want to read this quarter?
What podcasts do we want to listen to?
What topic or subject do we want to learn more about?
Social
How connected are you feeling to community and friends right now?
Have you been a good friend lately?
Who is someone that is life-giving to be around?
Is there anyone you are spending time with that is bringing you down?
If you look back at the past 90 days, who are the people you spent the most time with?
Is that how you wanted to spend your time or are there other people you want to invest in, moving forward?
Here are a couple of our examples of goals in this area: One summer, our social goal was to utilize a pool membership as much as possible and connect with people there. Another quarter, we made a list of families we wanted to host and couples we wanted to connect with. When the weekend rolled around, we intentionally initiated a hang out with people on that list!
House and Home
Is the current setup of our house working for us and our family?
Are there any changes or updates we want to make?
Is there a list of maintenance projects that we have procrastinated?
How satisfied do we feel with the way we are sharing the housework and tasks that never end?
Have these been a source of conflict?
What is the root issue for this conflict?
What are ways we can work together to appreciate, honor, and help one another in this area?
What are our dreams for our home in the next 1-10 years?
Is the atmosphere in our home the way we want it to be?
What are a few words we want to describe our home?
For Mark and me, a few of our words include Christ-centered, hospitable, inclusive, comfortable, welcoming, and beautiful.
I would love to hear yours!
I hope these questions refresh you and your relationship! Enjoy!
Best,
Laura
About The Savvy Sauce
Practical chats for intentional living
A faith-based podcast and resources to help you grow closer to Jesus and others. Expect encouragement, surprises, and hope here. Each episode offers lively interviews with fascinating guests such as therapists, authors, non-profit founders, and business leaders.
They share their best practices and savvy tips we can replicate to make our daily life and relationships more enjoyable!
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