Ten Tips for Newlyweds
“Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!” Song of Solomon 5:1b, NKJV
Marriage is the time to be drunk on love. God designed sexual intimacy in marriage to be intoxicating to the husband and wife.
Earlier this year a dear friend reached out asking for encouragement for a bride-to-be that she knew. This dear friend had grieved the reality that her own sexual education prior to marriage was lacking, but she was hoping this lovely bride would have a different story. Her prayer was for this younger bride to be prepared to enjoy this special gift in her marriage. I wrote her a letter and I want to share it with you now.
Dear Bride-to-be,
I am praying for you now as you count down the days until you are married!
If it’s helpful, I want to share my top ten recommendations as you prepare for the sexual part of marriage:
1. It is a lifelong process, so you will get to continue what you are already doing: learning about your (future) spouse while taking everything to God in prayer, even the most intimate parts of your marriage.
2. Outlook is important. We are given agency over our thoughts, which impact our emotions and behaviors, so I think the best place to start is to renew our mind in what God has to say about sex. The Bible has a LOT to say about sex in the Old and New Testaments! Reading through Song of Solomon in a variety of versions can be extremely helpful to gain understanding into the way God designed delightful intimacy in marriage. Another way to renew our minds is to intake godly material. Good input often produces good output! Here is a sample of my favorite podcasts, an all encompassing article, and my recommended books on this topic. I encourage you to journal your learnings as you listen and read.
Recommended Podcast Episodes:
Fostering a Fun, Healthy Sex Life with your Spouse with Dr. Jennifer Konzen
Ten Common Questions About Sex, Shared Through a Biblical Worldview with Dr. Michael Sytsma
Easy Changes to Enhance Your Sexual Intimacy in Marriage with Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner
Passion Pursuit with Dr. Juli Slattery
Healthy Ways for Females to Increase Sexual Enjoyment with Tracey LeGrand
Sex in Marriage and Its Positive Effects with Francie Winslow, Part 1
Science and Art of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, Part 2
Making Love in Marriage with Debra Fileta
Mutually Pleasing Sex in Marriage with Gary Thomas
Sex Series: Enhancing Female Pleasure and Enjoyment of Sex: An Interview with Dr. Jennifer Degler
Sex Series Orgasmic Potential, Pleasure, and Friendship: An Interview with Bonny Burns
Secrets of Sex and Marriage: Interview with Dr. Michael Sytsma
Recommended Article:
One-Stop Shop for Marriage and Intimacy Resources
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Recommended Books:
(I would start with Passion Pursuit if you are choosing one book to begin now. Anything by Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner, as seen on their website)
3. Preparation is a gift! It requires action, so I would begin listening to one of these podcasts today and order at least one of these books today. Once you are married, start to listen to these episodes together or read aloud one paragraph or one page or one chapter of a book out loud at a neutral time. This gets you used to saying the words out loud and communicating about the subject. Communication not only enhances your enjoyment of sexual intimacy, but it emotionally draws you closer as a couple. If you can talk about it, you will solve MANY of the future issues that may come your way.
4. Expect it to be awkward, but awkward is awesome! The same chemicals released during laughter are also released during orgasm, so I hope you laugh a lot and enjoy each other as you grow in this area that is truly a gift from God.
5. Lubricant is a very practical and helpful purchase to make before your honeymoon. (Make sure to pack it in the checked baggage if you are flying somewhere, as it will be taken from your carry-on if you leave it in there.) It can make the experience more comfortable for both of you. When we were getting married, an older woman recommended we purchase this kind.
6. Talk about your fears and hopes and expectations ahead of time so that you can minimize the opportunity for hurt on the wedding night or the honeymoon. Ask each other questions (or write them through letters if it feels too intimidating to talk about quite yet). How do you want the first night to go? How often are you hoping to connect sexually on the honeymoon? What are your fears? Etc. . . .
7. If it hurts, help is available: A pelvic floor therapist can help with pain or difficulty experiencing orgasm, a Christian Sex Therapist can walk you through emotional and spiritual questions, and a sexual medicine doctor can help with other issues that arise on the medical side. The Savvy Sauce podcast also has a ton of other episodes related to all these topics. I only shared a handful of sex-related episodes.
8. I advise against birth control pills. You can choose birth control, depending on your own spiritual convictions, but if you do choose a form of birth control, I highly recommend you avoid the pill. It messes with your hormones, kills sex drive, and causes other health issues down the road. This week is the best time to talk to your OBGYN about other options, such as IUD or condoms, etc . . .
9. As soon as you can, discuss with your future husband your past histories and current struggles: How did you both learn about sex? What are your views on it? What has your experience looked like this far in dating or past relationships or in your current one? Is there abuse or molestation in either of your pasts? Is pornography a struggle, both now or in the past? Have either or both of you had sexual partners in the past? Have you had sex with one another and you feel remorseful now, wishing you would have waited for marriage? It’s not easy to be honest, but it is essential to forming a foundation of trust in your secure relationship. I hope you also experience healing from interacting with God’s Word (see James 5:16 and Romans 8:1).
10. Pray, practice, and enjoy!! You can even pray silently during lovemaking for God to guide and help you and you both can pray outside the bedroom for the Lord to bless your marriage bed and protect you sexually. Since it’s practice, don’t be discouraged when one encounter is disappointing . . . you have the rest of your lives to keep enjoying this. View each encounter as practice and learning! Married couples report much more sexual enjoyment many years into their marriage, rather than at the very beginning, so don’t lose heart! I hope you enjoy the connection and enjoy the truth that he only sees your body as good and he doesn’t focus on flaws. (If you don’t believe me, ask him!) And a super practical set of truths that may help you both enjoy include the following:
Know that the majority of females do not orgasm through penetration, ever. If you’ve seen this in the movies or pornography, etc . . . it is a huge lie. Women generally experience orgasm through manual or oral stimulation to their clitoris. (A hand held mirror can help you to know your anatomy and even identify where your clitoris is located . . . that’s not dirty. God created it as a gift to you and its sole purpose is pleasure, so it is wise to know where it is.)
If your husband can go as slow as possible and focus on bringing you pleasure first, greater enjoyment and pleasure is experienced by you both. Women are more complex and take way longer to experience orgasm, but that is normal and nothing is wrong or broken. Although orgasm isn’t the goal (connection and intimate knowing is), greater pleasure is usually experienced when the wife is brought to orgasm first before any penetration and sometimes multiple orgasms are even possible with her (but not with him . . . there is a refractory phase after he orgasms that he needs to physically recover before experiencing orgasm again).
One of the best ways to give to your husband is to learn how to receive. Most husbands report that the biggest turn on to them is a turned on wife!
P.S. After the sexual act, especially if there was penetration, you will want to urinate within the first five minutes to avoid a UTI. God created a way for women to have self cleansing though our urine! It’s no fun to go to the bathroom right after having sex, but it will be helpful in preventing an infection. (This is true for every sexual encounter throughout the rest of your marriage.) Ideally, I hope you still come back together after you use the restroom because this time is often referred to as the “afterglow,” when couples can feel especially close to one another as they hold each other.
Thanks for allowing me to speak so candidly!
Praying over you and your marriage now, dear bride!
Sincerely,
Laura
About The Savvy Sauce
Practical chats for intentional living
A faith-based podcast and resources to help you grow closer to Jesus and others. Expect encouragement, surprises, and hope here. Each episode offers lively interviews with fascinating guests such as therapists, authors, non-profit founders, and business leaders.
They share their best practices and savvy tips we can replicate to make our daily life and relationships more enjoyable!
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