What do these two marriages have in common?
He speaks to her with a harsh tone every time he is lacking sleep. Over time, his wife avoids him and shies away from connecting with him when he is tired. He has no idea why she recoils at certain times, which only fuels his anger.
Every time she feels left out or has been hurt by a friend, she gets moody at home and snaps easily when her husband says something neutral. Over time, her husband feels like he is walking on eggshells after she has been with her friends. She doesn’t understand why he sometimes acts differently around her, but the confusion leads her to experience rejection and loneliness increasingly.
The common bond is the lack of self-awareness in at least one of each of these spouses mentioned. With spouses lacking self-awareness, future distance, drifting, and conflict occurs that could have been completely avoidable.
When couples understand themselves better and communicate with one another in a healthy way, levels of marital satisfaction increase.
In the first scenario, the husband’s awareness could motivate him to put healthier sleeping habits in place, become mindful of his sinful reactions, and ask the Lord to help him grow in this area. He could communicate this to his wife so she could be prepared to offer him grace as he grows.
In regard to the second situation, the wife could identify and communicate to her husband the relational gaps she is experiencing and her desire for more emotional connection. Her vulnerability may be the exact catalyst their marriage needs to turn toward one another and grow in intimacy. As their bond becomes more secure and she becomes more aware of her insecurities related to feeling left out, he could encourage her as she does the work to grow too.
In graduate school, I remember our professors saying “Mature people can identify and ask for what they need.” This type of assertiveness and maturity in action is possible when we do some internal work with God to understand ourselves better.
Growing in self-awareness is synonymous with growing in maturity. As we’ve discussed before, maturity is an expectation in adulthood that benefits our marriage because it increases our capacity to unselfishly love others (see Marriage Scripture I am Loving and 1 Corinthians 13:11).
*Important to Note* There is a difference between being self-centered and self-aware! These two are not interchangeable. Self-centeredness is when you are preoccupied with yourself. Self-awareness is wisely and humbly knowing the truth about yourself and how God created you. It enables you to recognize your need for a Savior. It further enables you to wisely steward your life for Christ.
Notice how these passages of Scripture encourage self-awareness:
“Pay close attention to yourself [concentrate on your personal development] and to your teaching; persevere in these things [hold to them], for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you.” 1 Timothy 4:16 (AMP)
“Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.” Galatians 6:4-5 (NLT)
“Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.” 1 Corinthians 11:28-29 (ESV)
“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 4:10-11 (NIV)
Knowing our gifting requires knowing ourselves and understanding ourselves better so that we can serve others. When we enter this journey with God, He leads us in the way everlasting. This goes along with another part of the Bible:
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139: 23-24 (NIV)
When we come to God to ask for insight into or understanding of the way He carefully designed us (which is what I mean when I use the term “self-awareness”), we end up in the same place: connecting with God and in doing so, glorifying Him.
“Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!” Lamentations 3:40 (ESV)
Sometimes it’s helpful to learn something through considering the opposite, so consider this:
Opposites of “aware” include careless, thoughtless, unaware, or neglectful. In no way do those words explain the wisdom woven throughout Scripture.
Instead, we are encouraged in Proverbs to be prudent and far-sighted (see Proverbs 22:3). If we want to learn the truth about ourselves, Jesus tells us the Holy Spirit, also known as the Spirit of Truth, will teach and remind us of all things (see John 14:16-17 and 26).
How does this relate to our marriage?
From my previous work experience counseling couples, I noticed a common theme: self-awareness was a common ingredient in healthier and happier marriages. It is a trait encouraged throughout the Bible and I believe growing in self-awareness is not only for our own benefit, but also for the betterment of our marriages.
Do you know how other people perceive or experience you? Are you aware of the emotional climate that people associate with you? Do you know why you and your spouse have the same conflict that arises from time to time, but never gets fully resolved? How does your spouse experience you in the morning? Throughout the day? In the evening? When you are hungry or tired or stressed? Do you become withdrawn or angry or moody or flighty? Do you know if you are draining or energizing to be around?
I find self-aware people to be very energizing to be around! As we learn the difference between self-centered and self-aware, we see that self-aware people are humble and that inspires others around them to grow in self-awareness too. (Learn more on this topic from Powerful Purpose of Introverts).
Their wisdom to know themselves and partner with God to generously offer their personality as a gift to benefit others and glorify Him is contagious! They make a significant impact because they are operating in their strengths and doing what God designed for only them to do.
Do you want to become that type of person?
This is learned over time. We are invited by God to grow little by little every day, and the good news is we can start right now!
How can we begin to grow in self-awareness?
The best places to begin are through conversations and relationships, specifically with God as we read His Word or communicate with other believers. We can begin by humbly asking God or others questions such as:
How am I uniquely wired?
What supernatural gift(s) have I been given?
How do you see me using these in my life to benefit and serve others?
What strengths do you see in me?
There is plenty of work to also do by yourself too. Ask yourself:
What gives me energy?
What do I enjoy that benefits other people?
What is life-giving to me and blesses others?
As you get to know yourself better, you consequently will get to know God better (because He is the one who purposefully created you!) and you will get to know your spouse better too. My hope is that this process expands the grace you experience yourself and offer your beloved.
As is usually the case with conversation, the goal is to enjoy the journey and trust the process. There is delight that comes from learning something new about ourselves and our spouse.
Eventually, instead of being careless, thoughtless, unaware, or neglectful, you will begin to be more informed, mindful, and alive. And these synonyms of “aware” describe a healthier and more enjoyable marriage!
If you are looking to grow in self-awareness and benefit others as you apply wisdom to the knowledge you learn, there are plenty of resources available!
Here are some resources for growing in understanding our personality so that we can grow in self-awareness in a God-honoring way:
Podcasts:
Understanding and Utilizing the Enneagram in Your Life with Beth McCord
Deep Dive into the Enneagram with Your Enneagram Coach, Beth McCord
Understanding the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator to Improve Your Marriage
Christy Wright’s helpful E Questions
Understanding Temperaments to Improve Your Relationships Part 1 with Kathleen Edelman and Part 2
How 2 Questions Can Change Your Life with Jeff Henderson
Four Personality Types with Dale Wilsher
The Enneagram Explained with Sarajane Case of Enneagram & Coffee
Powerful Purpose of Introverts with Holley Gerth
Generational Differences with Haydn Shaw
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Books:
The Powerful Purpose of Introverts
My prayer is for you to experience grace in this process, to humbly come before God, and to grow in your relationship as you develop greater self-awareness.
“It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace” Hebrews 13:9 (NIV)
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Lots of Love,
Laura
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