Are your kids learning in-person this year? Is the setup different from last year?
Everyone is likely in a season of transition, whether beginning homeschooling, physically sending children off to school for the first time in a year and a half, or maybe sending your oldest to kindergarten. Even if your kids are returning to a similar school schedule as last year, new seasons bring transition.
Transitions can bring about stress, but preparedness ushers in joy!
I delight in discovering and sharing ideas that require minimal preparation and result in maximum connection in relationships! My idea is to grow in your understanding of yourself and your children, determine your optimal times for connection, and then connect through asking specific, open-ended questions.
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To begin to understand yourself and your child better, here are a few questions to consider.
What is my temperament as the parent? What is the temperament of each of my children? Knowing our temperaments, how can we manage our schedules in a way that honors each of us? For further study and helpful examples, listen to Temperaments in Parenting, Understanding Temperaments Part 1 and Part 2 or read I Said This, You Heard That and A Grown-Up’s Guide to Kids’ Wiring.
Next I recommend a two-part process to assess optimal times for connection.
First, reflect on your current rhythm after school: Do your kids come home and need a break alone with space and silence? Are they ready to burn some energy and get outside? Do they prefer to go through their papers and line up their schedule before relaxing? Do they request something relaxing or fun before doing homework? Are there reasonable ways to honor their requests while still accommodating your scheduling needs?
This is so simple, but simple reminders are sometimes the most helpful! Can you also try asking each other: What is your ideal schedule after school? What is my ideal schedule after school? Can we problem-solve a wise solution that works for everyone involved and give it a try for a week?
My guess is every child (and parent) has a preference for the post-school rhythm. After reflecting on what works best, you can proactively determine a good time to connect.
Make sure you also assess in the moment, levels of HALT-B.
This stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and bored. Whenever we are experiencing any of these at high levels, we are less likely to connect emotionally. It works best to first meet the physical need and then dive deeper into conversation.
Countless professors and supervisors in graduate school advised beginning with HALT-B for assessing clients’ current emotional state, regardless of age. (I’m in my mid-thirties and still prone to getting hangry, unfortunately!)
Once you determine a time when you and your kids are reasonably stable and not experiencing drastic levels of HALT-B, you can move onto the next step.
Now seize the opportunity to initiate a deeper conversation.
Whether you have a kindergartner or senior in high school, parents often lament that they don’t get much insight into their child’s day, even when they ask them questions after they get home from school.
However, I think well-timed and thoughtful questions yield fruitful and connecting conversation.
Beyond the vague “How was your day?” that usually elicits a one word answer or merely a one-syllable sound, try open-ended and specific questions. This is my favorite way to unlock conversation and strengthen familial bonds.
Not only is this used for discipleship, as Jesus modeled asking questions, but it is also a way to stay up to date and connected in parenting.
Staying current is worth fighting for!
Just like a daily check-in with our spouse leads to higher marital satisfaction, I believe checking in daily and intentionally with our children leads to higher familial satisfaction.
(For more tips on staying connected in marriage, check out: Being Intentional with our Relationships, Easy Changes to Enhance Intimacy in Marriage, Being Intentional with Marriage, Understanding Gender Differences in Marriage, Prepare For, Enrich, or Save Your Marriage, 5 Love Languages, Enjoy a Thriving Marriage, Communication and Healthy Conflict Resolution, Romantic Love in Marriage, Healthy Minds, Marriages, and Sex Lives, Protecting Your Marriage Against Unfaithfulness, and Building Lasting Relationships.)
We don’t have teenagers yet, but I wonder if this routine will close the gap during those sometimes rocky years? Will this connecting rhythm be something that builds a secure attachment for them to draw from as they remember we are for them? If you have teenagers, please let me know if that has been your experience!
To practice asking well-timed questions, our family has experimented with writing questions on a plate, asking questions while driving, at the dinner table, before bed, right after school while snacking, or while taking kids out for one-on-one dates. You can get as formal or informal as you want here, depending on your preferences, but I would love to suggest ten open-ended questions to get you started on the road to deeper understanding, and in return, deeper joy in your relationship!
These are open-ended, but they are also specific so it helps kids understand what you are asking. You can follow up any of these questions with simple affirmations and invitations to elaborate, such as “I love listening to you. Will you tell me more?” “I am so grateful you told me about that experience! Thank you! Is there anything else you would like to share?”
To receive these ten questions, join our email list now, and receive the questions for free!
Be encouraged! You are modeling healthy communication and imparting an invaluable gift to your children when you devote even 5 minutes a day to this type of conversation!
You are helping them process their thoughts and emotions, recall situations and formulate words to describe past happenings, and you are inviting them to engage their mind as they think about the upcoming future! Pulling children out of the moment is beneficial to them and insightful for you.
Our children change over the years, so consider these conversations an adventure and expect surprises!
I pray this exercise strengthens your relationship and multiplies your joy! As we invite the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us, I believe this exercise will be a catalyst in producing good fruit because it is based on our unselfish concern and love for our children, which is possible because of Christ in us.
But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23 (AMP)
With love,
Laura
P.S. Additional recommended parenting episodes:
Parenting Toddlers Through Teens
Visionary Parenting and Grand-Parenting
Applying Personality Training to Parenting
Intentional Questions to Ask Our Kids
Connection and Correction in Parenting
