Healthy Communication in Marriage

How can we truly grow in communication skills that actually work, and in doing so, positively impact our marriage? 

This topic builds upon what we have discussed in previous weeks. Expectations in marriage, gender differences, self-awareness, and family of origin all affect the way we communicate with our spouse.

Our communication methods can either help us resolve conflict or perpetually create more unnecessary conflict in our marriage!

So we will learn how to communicate better this week and then next time we will focus on applying those skills to conflict resolution.

Let’s begin with the best place to start: How does Jesus model healthy communication? What instruction does the Bible provide for healthy communication? How can we apply these examples of communication to our own marriages?

Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus compassionately helping people, rather than condemning them. He perfectly communicates with 100% Truth and 100% Grace. He doesn’t shy away from addressing sin, but He kindly does it while offering hope and a better way. 

And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”John 8:11b (NKJV)

We also witness Jesus leading conversations with questions. He then empowers the person he is speaking to, notices them, gives them His attention, and offers them healing.

 “Who touched me?”Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.” But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.” Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” Luke 8:45-48 (NIV)

The Bible provides a wealth of knowledge for how to communicate better! It begins with us connecting with God and not with us seeking to change our spouse. We are invited to daily, moment by moment pursue growth in this area.

If we are a Jesus-follower, the heart change that leads to the overflow of better communication begins in our own conversation between ourselves and God. 

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)

If we get this part right, the next step is possible. If we allow Christ to transform us first and repeatedly, He can then allow us to experience growth in our marriage, even if we are the only person who changes. (For more foundation of loving communication with the right heart attitude, see 1 Corinthians 13.)

Once we have allowed God to search us, understand us, reveal our growth opportunities, and lead us on a better path, we can then communicate in a much more healthy and productive manner with our spouse.

The Bible even lays out a super practical action plan for good communication:

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” James 1:19 (NIV)

Who is this instruction for? EVERYONE!

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Listening isn’t passive, it is active and wise! Dr. John Gottman studied marriages for years and documented some of his discoveries in his best-selling book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. As it relates to the importance of listening, he writes on page 149, 

“Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are understanding. If either (or both) of you feels judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in your marriage. This holds for big problems and small ones. You may discover that your partner is more conciliatory during arguments than you realized –once you know what to listen for.”

We will elaborate on more benefits of listening next time when we cover conflict-resolution. Make sure you subscribe to our free email list so you don’t miss these marriage articles!

The next step is to figure out ways to practically apply this to our marriage. I will lay out three helpful options for you to try. Each one is based on follow-up steps from the Scriptures we just read. 

First, assume the best as Jesus did in John 8:11b.

Second, get really curious, like Jesus modeled in Luke 8:45-48 .

Third, consistently educate yourself on passages such as James 1:19 and put these lessons into practice! (See also James 1:22)

Assume the best.

We are good at doing this with our friends, so let’s apply that same attitude toward our spouse! Here is just one potential benefit of applying this attitude: When we assume the best, we typically end up being correct. 

At least one psychological principle is at play here. The Pygmalian effect is the phenomenon that the way we treat someone has a direct influence on the way they act. When we treat our spouse with the expectation that they are truthful and kind, they often live up to our expectations. High expectations generally result in higher performance. This is not meant to manipulate our spouse, but it is encouraging to know our subtle, even subconscious expectations of our spouse often play out to become reality. 

One way to know what your subconscious expectations are for your spouse is to observe the way you talk about them when they are not present. Are your words uplifting and respectful as you paint them in the best light possible? Or are you critical, harsh, belittling and judgmental? My guess is your spouse will eventually act in a manner similar to the way you talk about them. Our beliefs drive our actions. So, let’s assume the best and speak highly of one another!

Get really curious.

When we ask questions from a posture of seeking to understand rather than a posture of interrogation, it results in deeper levels of communication and intimacy in our marriage. Jesus asks 307 questions in the Bible, and those are only the recorded ones we read about today. Questions were a frequent communication tool He accessed to get to the heart of relationships. In the same way, we can utilize this beneficial communication tool to enjoy our marriage even more! 

I have written about questions to ask your spouse in these articles:

Questions for Husbands and Wives to Ask to Grow in Unselfish Love

Foundational Questions to Promote Connection

Questions to Understand How Your Family of Origin Impacts Your Marriage

Questions to Learn How Our Wiring Impacts our Marriage

Consistently educate yourself and put your lessons into practice!

This part is perhaps the most important. We won’t become flawless communicators after reading one article, but we may become 1% better at communication!

If we continue to pursue a deeper understanding of how to communicate better and then actually apply the lessons we learn, we will enjoy our marriage a whole lot more! That is a worthwhile pursuit. 

Proactive approaches are my favorite, but these ideas will help you either be proactive as you pursue deeper levels of enjoyment in your marriage or become purposefully reactive when you find yourself in a dissatisfying communication cycle with your spouse. Here are some recommended resources to get you started:

The Savvy Sauce episodes to listen to for promoting healthy communication in marriage:

Understanding and Delighting in Our Differences with Bill & Pam Farrel 

Communication and Healthy Conflict Resolution with Kelley Gray

Books to read to promote healthy communication in marriage:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

The 5 Love Languages

Articles to read to promote healthy communication in marriage:

Fun Daily and Weekly Marital Enrichment Habits

Fun Monthly and Yearly Marital Enrichment Habits

Additional recommended marital resources can be found here.

Your marriage is important to God and I pray right now for Him to do a mighty work in all our marriages, beginning with the simple step of improving our communication. May we reflect His love through our relationships to a world that needs Jesus. Amen.

Sincerely,

Laura